Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years." His dad replies "Never mind son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
I was given the job of interviewing Kate Middleton's midwife. "What colour hair did it have " i asked.
"None at all , completely bald" he replied.
"Is it cute?"
"It was beautiful, one of the cutest i have ever seen", he added
I said " Now lets talk about the baby " ...
A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday present when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him £500 for the horse.The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man £1000 for the horse.The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good".On the third day the rich man offered the poor man £2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.The rich man's daughter loved her present She climbed onto the horse, then galloped strait into a tree.The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's behaviour.The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!"
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"He replies, "Yes, caffeine.""Have you ever worked for the public service before?""Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lostboth of my testicles".The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough pointsfor me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00 am to4.00 pm... but your's will be 10 to 4, though you'll receive full pay."The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the working day's hours are from 8.00 am to4.00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00 am? I'm not looking forany special treatment y'know""What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls - what's the point of you coming in for that?"
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.first drunk says"there's a hell of a lot of steps here"...second drunk says"tell you what's worse,this effin handrail is set low"...
My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, the rocks were about 2" diameter, then she asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was. She then picked up a some pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was. She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles. "Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed.
The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, the pub.
If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly the most important in your life."I was dumbfounded.
Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?
A number of new inscribed tablets were found in Iraq following the invasion, and recently some of these have been translated and found to be missing sections from the creation story in the Book of Genesis. This is one excerpt from the new chapters...Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make.She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"God replied, "An arm and a leg."Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"The rest is history..
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door.""The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'""So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point.""Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'"Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.' But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset.""No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?""Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."
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