A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake, the florist replied, "Sir,I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this...
Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying.
"Congratulation on your new location.''
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen
that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any
surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing
to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
A Hollywood director was shooting a big budget movie on location in the desert. One day an old Indian came up to him and said, "Tomorrow rain."And sure enough the next day it rained.A few days later, the old Indian appeared on set again, sidled up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."And sure enough, the following day there was a fearful storm which brought a temporary halt to filming.The director was hugely impressed by the old Indian's weather predictions and told his secretary to put the tribesman on the payroll. However, after a number of other successful forecasts, the Indian didn't show for three weeks. Then the director sent for him.The director said, "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow and I'm relying on you. What is the weather going to be like?"The old Indian shrugged his shoulders, "Don't know. Radio broken."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just
think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's
a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher; ...she's dead."
Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An Australian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Australian the job." Murphy) "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job." Manager) "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed." Murphy) "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager) "Simple. On question number 7 the Australian wrote down, 'I don’t know.' "
A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced
medical technology. He said, “We take the lungs out of a man, perform an
operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking
for work.”
An Englishman said, “We are far more advanced than you. We can take the
heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3
weeks.”
The Irishman says, “That’s nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man,
put into another man’s body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks.”
The American says, “Well hell, that’s nothin’. We had an idiot taken out
of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin’ for
work!”
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood.They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I'd better run too!"
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.'May I see the new baby?' I asked'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?''No, not yet,' She said.After another few minutes had elapsed,I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?''No, not yet,' replied my friend.Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?''WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?''BECAUSE I'VE FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM.
An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he
buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another
hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for
another hundred chickens, "I think I know where
I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the last 20 years without fail.This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... Yes I will!"The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?"Why you silly man I said, Yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"
April and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly
finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the
happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I'll miss you."
Last Thursday night, an elderly woman from Houston, Texas was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse. The following Monday morning, the old lady was called in front of the arraignment judge, sworn in, and asked to explain her actions. The woman replied, "Your Honor, I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home. I had just cashed my social security check at the bank earlier in the day. I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol that my late husband gave me for protection, that was in my purse, that was hung over my left shoulder. All of a sudden I was being spun around hard to my left. As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away from me with my purse. I looked down at my right hand and I saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol. The next thing I remember is saying out loud, "No way punk! You're not stealing my money." "I raised my right shaking hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and squeezed the trigger of my pistol 6 times!" When asked by the arraignment judge, "Why did you shoot the man 6 times?" The woman replied, under oath, "Because, when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click." The woman was acquitted of all charges, don't mess with old folks ya hear.
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.) One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5). But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?Johnny: Seven, Sir.Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?Johnny: Seven.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven!!!
A very angry Teacher: Where the F*** do you get seven from?!?!? Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a F*****cat at home!!!
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