Three men: an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in
the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed
his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him
questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under
the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to
his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone I
have a microchip in my hand."
Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he
had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and
went to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his
arse.
The others raised their eyebrows. "Will you look at that" says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax."
The Haircut
Female version:
First Woman) Oh, you got a haircut! That's so cute! Second Woman) Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy-looking?First Woman) Oh God, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with it how it is, I think.Second Woman) Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts-that would really suit you. I was going to do that except that I was afraid it would accentuate my long neck.First Woman) What's wrong with your neck? I would love to have a neck like yours: anything to take attention away from my awful shoulder line.Second Woman) Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything hangs so well on you. "You're like a walking fashion catalogue.But look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders, I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Male version: First Man) Haircut? Second Man) Yeah.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. .
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs
it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her
breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her
husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror
mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
<wordtidy> Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM ! the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF ! there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three £1 coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the £1 coins, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's balls, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last £1 coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Inland Revenue..
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes." A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her along with a £10 tip. "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."
A Mini pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the guy in the Rolls. "Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver. "Well, do you have a fax machine?" The driver in the Rolls sighed. "I have that too." "Then do you have a double bed in the back?" the Mini driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his auto. A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same Mini, which is parked on the side of the road--back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Mini's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I want you to know that I had a double bed installed," brags the Rolls driver. The Mini driver is unimpressed.
"You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"
<wordtidy>Each day a lady gets the lift from the 12th floor to the ground level so she can go to work. When she comes home however she only goes up the lift to level 8. Why is this and it is not to keep fit?
A woman went to "Jim's Seafood Store" and asked Jim what the best part of the fish is. Jim said, "The best part of the fish is the head." He also said, "Not only they are good, but the heads will make you smarter."So the woman wanted to try and see if they were really that good. The heads were £4.34 each, so she bought some. Later that week she got some more and told Jim that the heads were REALLY good. So for 3 weeks, twice a week she got more fish heads. The next time she came in she said to Jim, "You know I have been thinking, the fish heads are £4.34 each. I could get a whole fish with the head for £3.00"Jim said, "See you've got smarter already."
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