Four African farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM."The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying. "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know."
"I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"
Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused,Paddy, went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen.You were born in August, ya bloody id-eeyit"
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical
wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth --
if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead
enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette
goes first.
"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try. p> "I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."
COMPLETE and FINISHED, No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between those two words. At a recently held linguistic competition held in London, England, attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over five minutes. Here is his answer which made him receive an invitation to dine with the Queen, who decided to call him after the contest. He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old Eldorado rum for his answer.The question was this. How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Here is Mr. Balgobin’s astute answer:"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman tending to the flowers in her garden. He descended
a bit more and shouted, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend
that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The woman below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an Accountant,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is , I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you have delayed my journey.'
The woman below responded, 'You must be in Management.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are, or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise of which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in before we met, but somehow it's now become
my fault!'
A committed atheist (that's someone who steadfastly does not believe in a god of any sort) was on a trekking holiday when he became lost in some dense woods.A large angry bear, with ten starving cubs back home and claws like kitchen knives, suddenly emerged from the undergrowth. The atheist screamed in terror, turned and ran,the bear was quicker however, and after a long and desperate chase eventually cornered the atheist in a gully. The exhausted atheist sank to his knees, shaking. The bear, seeing that its prey was trapped, moved slowly towards the petrified man, drooling.The atheist lifted his head, with tears in his eyes, and uttered the words he thought he would never say in all his life: "God help me..." With these simple three words, a blinding flash of lightning lit up the sky, there was a deafening crash of thunder, the clouds parted. A brilliant light shone down. The forest fell silent, the bear froze still, in a trance. The atheist stood gaping, transfixed.A voice came loud from above, louder than twenty AC/DC concerts all happening at the same time. We can safely assume this voice to have been the voice of a god of some sort. "You atheists make me seriously mad," boomed the god, "You deny me all your life. You tell others to deny me too. You put your faith in all that bloody Darwinian airy-fairy scientific nonsense, and then what a surprise - you get lost because you can't read your stupid map, and now you're about to get eaten by an angry bear all of a sudden you're on your knees snivelling and begging for my help?......... You must be joking..." The atheist looked down, realising that he was not arguing from a position of strength."Okay, I take your point," said the atheist, thinking on his feet, while he still had them, "I can see it's a bit late for me to convert, but what about the bear?... Maybe you could convert the bear instead?" "Hmmn... interesting idea..." said the god, thinking hard, "...Okay. It shall be done." At which the brilliant light dimmed and vanished; the clouds closed; and the noises of the forest resumed. The bear awoke and shook its head, a completely different expression on its face. Calm, at peace.The bear closed its eyes, bowed its head, and said, "For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful, Amen.."THE END
A young man wanted to get a suntan on his whatsit so he buried himself on the beach with just his whatsit poking out. Two old ladies walking on the beach came across it and one said to the other when i was young they were hard to find blimey now there,re growing wild.
I use shampoo in the shower and it always ends up running down my body ! Its a bit late now but they have now printed very clearly on the label : FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME .
No wonder ive been putting weight on ..
Well ive thrown away the shampoo and instead im going to use Fairy liquid instead cos the label says :
DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE .
Problem solved ! If i dont answer the phone when you ring , i'll be in the shower ! ..
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