My pet mouse Elvis died yesterday. He was caught in a trap
Did you bury him Way on Down ?
Went to buy a second hand TV the other day for only £1, but the volume wouldnt work, so I turned it down
I watched a great documentary last night about how ships are kept together.... Riveting !!
I wanted to buy a camouflage jacket. The guy in the shop said they had loads but he couldnt find them
Last night, me and the wife watched 3 DVDs back to back... luckily I was the one facing the telly
Madonna claimed she owned a diamond studded Rolex, but I think it was just a wind up
I told the Doctor that I have a strawberry growing in my ear, he said " Can I give you some cream for it "
I hate hedgehogs... why cant they just share the hedge ?
I dreamt I was being chased by Robert Mugabe, and I though I could escape by luring him into some wet cement and trapping him there until it dried. But then I realised.. I had set a dangerous president .
A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by, what luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. "Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill." "Who?" asked the man. "Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab, it would have happened like that to Bill every time." "Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody." "Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete, he could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, he sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "Bill was really something, huh?" "Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday, he knew all about wine, which fork to eat with, he could fix anything. "Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." "No wonder you remember him," the man said. "Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby. "Then how in the world do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow," replied the cabby.
A young man with his pants hanging half off his arse,two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chainaround his neck; walked into thelocal welfare office to pick up his check.He marched up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawingwelfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't liketaking advantage of the system, gettingsomething for nothing."The social worker behind the counter said "Yourtiming is excellent. We Just got a job opening from avery wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur andbodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll haveto drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, andhe will supply all of your clothes.""Because of The long hours, meals will be provided.You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on heroverseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to saybut you will also have, as part of your job, theassignment to satisfy her sexual urges as thedaughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strongsex drive."The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,"You're bullshittin' me!"The social worker said:
"Yeah, well...You started it." .....
A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by, what luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. "Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill." "Who?" asked the man. "Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab, it would have happened like that to Bill every time." "Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody." "Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete, he could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, he sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "Bill was really something, huh?" "Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday, he knew all about wine, which fork to eat with, he could fix anything. "Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." "No wonder you remember him," the man said. "Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby. "Then how in the world do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow," replied the cabby.
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss. “The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.The driver says, "Why'd you do that?The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."The passenger says, "Huh?"The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!"
I went down to London last year to watch the olympics and what a spectacle it was. I saw the gymasts and the swimmers and I was going over to the statium to watch field events when I saw this guy walking from the changing rooms carrying a long stick. I shouted over to him,' hey are you a pole vaulter?'' and he turned to me and said,''No, I throw javelin and how did you know my name is Walter?''
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?""274" was his reply.The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?""Tuesday" replies the second man.The doctor sadly says to the third man,"Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?"Nine" says the third man."That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain..." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music, no one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him, by the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar, when they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the5th.By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.***************"He's decomposing."
A Brummie goes to his tailor's and says " Alroit mate i want a 70s suit making please ".
"Certainely Sir, would you like a kipper tie ?"
Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please "...
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver of the car took the train company to court.At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed."Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination.""Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried.""How's that?" the lawyer asked."I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"
Some of these bikers behave almost as if they were above the law. They must have some influence - always followed around by police but never arrested or charged. Often armed with shotguns. Their exploits are hardly ever off the pages of the Daily Mail. And now two of them have decided to form a club. Harry and William are founder members of the Sons of Monarchy.
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever.""Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life.""OK, then, I want to die after a Labour government balances the budget and eliminates the debt.""You crafty little bastard," said the genie.
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me and said " Fancy buying me a drink ?"
"Sure " i said , "If you let me chose "
"Okay" she grinned , "But how will you know what i want ? "
"Well its kind of a talent", i smiled. "All i do is look a girl up and down and i know exactly what suits her best "
"Okay" she giggled. "You can chose for me "
So i turned to the barman and said " Diet coke please , mate "...
Hello, i know its cheeky asking, thats why ive texted instead of calling.
You've done so much for me and done me many favours and i dont feel ive repaid you properley, so i swear this will be the last time i ask for your help.
Is there any chance i could borrow your head for Halloween ?
My Missus says im immature and we should set aside a day so that we can talk like Adults.... Like thats gonna fn happen in the middle of conker season...
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