As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
whats white and sits in trees.....a fridge.
whats blue and white and sits in trees.......a fridge with a jean jacket on.
well the subject is silly jokes.......
A Brummie went to Ground Zero in New York one year after 9/11. Whilst there, he sees a fireman paying his respects. The Brummie says to him, "There were a lot of people that were very proud of what you guys did.""Thanks, buddy," the fireman replies."You lot were bloody brave," the Brummie says."Thanks. Where are you from anyhow?" the fireman asks."Birmingham," he replies."Birmingham? What state's that in?" asks the fireman.The Brummie looks around and replies, "About the same as this really..."
There was a traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota.It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it.A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night.“Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk.” said the hospitable old man.“But I ain’t got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes.”“Oh!” said the salesman. “Well Just how far is it to the next house ?”
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms !""No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"."I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."WAIT! WAIT! There's more -The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly."I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother".
There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:• 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman• 2 French men and 1 French woman• 2 German men and 1 German woman• 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman• 2 English men and 1 English woman• 2 Macedonian men and 1 Macedonian woman.One month later on this beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere...• The first Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.• The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".• The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.• The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.• The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.• The Macedonian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Macedonian woman and started swimming.
I know that it sounds too good to be true, but ...The police busted a man selling “Secret Formula” tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.When going through the files, the police noticed that the same man had been charged with the same criminal medical fraud four previous times:In 1794, 1856, 1928, and 1983.
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight:the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.The wife cried, "What are we going to do?""Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
A redneck was stopped by a game warden just north of Kentucky’s Lake Cumberland recently with two ice chests of fish.The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?""Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These are my pet fish.""Pet fish?""Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home.""That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works.""Okay, I've GOT to see this!"The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?""Well, whut?" said the redneck."When are you going to call them back?""Call who back?""The FISH!""What fish?"
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
<wordtidy> Entertainment Night at the Senior Centre It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre. After the community sing, led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the Star of the Show - Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time and when you are hypnotised you'll do whatever I say." said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the watch." The lights were twinkling, as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces, and a hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed its movements. The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful antique gold pocket watch that had been in Claude’s family for six generations fell to the stage and burst apart on impact."
"SHIT!" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre. And Claude was never invited to entertain again.
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding." The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted... "Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!
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EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES########################################Pasta had not been invented.Curry was a surname.A takeaway was a mathematical problem.A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.Brown bread was something only poor people ate.Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cookingTea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.Only Heinz made beans.Fish didn't have fingers in those days.Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.Healthy food consisted of anything edible.People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.Indian restaurants were only found in India.Cooking outside was called camping.Seaweed was not a recognised food."Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.Prunes were medicinal.Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. ELBOWS
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it wasan exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he justhad to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he wasfeeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed outof town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew hewouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting upon the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning andeveryone else was in church!At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while lookingdown from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him getaway with this, are you?"The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards thepin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. ItWAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at theLord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
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