A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again."With the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"
Luigi and Paulo were fishing in the Mediterranean sea one sunny day when a World War II mine came floating along.On seeing this round, spikey object coming nearer and nearer, Luigi shouts at his friend "Hey Paulo, it's a mine, it's a mine!!!" Paulo replies "O.K. Luigi, you can-a have it!!!"
A Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africanswalk into a very fine restaurant.
After scrutinizing the group, the Maitre D says
"I'm sorry... ...
... ...You can't come in here without a Thai "
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
His wife is touched to tears that her husband is so caring, and so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' she replied, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says......... 'I would have been released today.
I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach.Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach and a rider-less horse pulls up on the right.The man leans down, pulls open the door, jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.Just before he rode off, I yelled out,"What was all that about?"He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched.Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."The lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry."So, she figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what she turned into?
The first motel she could find!.
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opened an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?
He read the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood ; you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said.
I decided you were right. I had to change my name.
I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Yours Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
A man was out shopping with the Mrs, and he spots an offer of 12 cans of larger for £10. He says to the wife that is well cheap, I am going to get them.
His wife reply's...You are not wasting ten pounds on beer and that's the end of it.
The man keeps stum and carries on around the shops with his wife. His wife sees some face cream for £20 and says I am getting some of that.
The man replies. That's a lot of money, £20 for some cream.
The wife replies, well it's to make me look nice and beautiful for you.
The husband says, well I could of done that for a tenner.
A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.He asked the Shopkeeper, "how much for the parrot on the right?The owner said it was £2500."£2500.", the man said. "Well what does he do?"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office, responds the clerk."He can do all of your spread-sheets and type all of your letters."The man then asked what the second parrot cost.The clerk replied, £5000, but he not only knows Microsoft Office,but is an expert computer programmer.Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.The clerk replied, "£10,000."Curious as to how a bird can cost £10,000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was.The shopkeeper replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.But the other two call him " BOSS"!!
Many years ago, a group of bikers, all aged 40 discussed where they should meet for a reunion lunch. Finally it was decided they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Billericay because the waitresses had big breasts and wore miniskirts.Ten years later at the age of 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Billericay because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.Ten years later, at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Billericay because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.Ten years later, at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Billericay because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had easy access to the toilets.
Ten years later at the age of 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Billericay because they had never been there before.
Alex Salmond was visiting a Scottish primary school and the classwas in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.The teacher asked Mr. Salmond if he would like to leadthe discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a'Tragedy'.A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives ona ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and killshim, that wid be a tragedy.""Incorrect", said Alex, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fiftychildren drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be atragedy"'I'm afraid not', explained Alex, "that's what we would refer to asa great loss’’.The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Alex searchedthe room."Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, ina quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wizstruck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that widbe a tragedy.""Fantastic!" exclaimed Alex, "and can you tell me why that would bea tragedy?""Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainlywidnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!
For the past few months I`ve been getting a bill through the post for some batteries I remember buying quite a while back, which I thought was a bit odd but have been taking no notice. Well, I got another bill just the other day and quite frankly I`m fed up with it now. So I decided to ring up the shop to find out what was going on. The shopkeeper said "Of course we`ve been sending you bills" "But why?" I protested "I already paid for them, months ago" "Ahh" He replied "Didn`t you realise-they`re re-chargeable!!!"
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.''Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?''Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.''And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'Bob's face turned beet red and he said,'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
A mate of mine was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was this gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out all night but didn't have the bottle to make the first move.Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him. He reflexively reaches out, and grabs it out of the air, and hands it back." Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you". They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and maybe stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.The next morning, she cooked a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The fellow was amazed. Everything had been so incredible, "You know," he said, "you are, without a doubt, the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every gentleman you meet?''. "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye".
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on Al Jazeera TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my room to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off last nights kebab, a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!! XXX
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