When I was a kid my dad used to let me put my pocket money in a special money box under the stairs ......I was 15 before I found out it was the f@@king gas meter! ;))
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows. The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.’ The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.’ The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.’ And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!' The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women.
so I'm in Tesco's buying a bag of dog food for my dog. Whilst in the check-out queue, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I.V. drips in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now totally enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. As i have always said . Be careful what you ask me you might not appreciate the answer.
A young couple, a middle aged couple, and an old couple want to join a church. The Priest tells them that they must abstain from sex for a week. They agreed and left.A week later, the couples each meet with the Priest to discuss how it went.The old couple explain how it wasn't that hard for them because of their age.The middle aged couple express how they struggled with temptation.The young couple walk in, and the husband is hanging his head in shame.
"So? How did it go?", the Priest asks.
The young man sighs heavily, "It didn't go so well. I did okay for the first couple of days, but then the temptation became too great."
"What happened?" The Priest said.
"Well, the wife was reaching for a can of vegetables on a high shelf, and dropped them. When she bent over to pick it up, I was so taken with passion, that I had to have her right there and then"
The Priest slowly shakes his head and says, "Well I'm sorry, but you're not welcome in this church."
With a heavy sigh the young man says, "I know. We aren't welcome at Tesco's anymore either..."
Taffy the Welshman walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"Taffy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"Taffy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"A few months later Taffy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" Taffy storms out of the bar.The next day, Taffy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
On some Air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"The tower responded, "Who is calling?"The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it's a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it's an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it's a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it's an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'"
The little old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered."THE TEETH."
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.Curious I pinned a note to his collar: "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:"He lives in a home with a non-stop chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
Can I come with him tomorrow?
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and James had a date with Annabella. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. 'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed James. 'Have a seat in the sitting room. Would you like something to drink?Lemonade? Tea?' 'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea. 'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she askedinterestedly. 'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eatat the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.' 'Annabella likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him. 'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least. 'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends,that's all they do!' 'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously. 'Oh yes,' she said. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!' 'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he beganthinking about alternative plans for the evening. A moment later, Annabella camedown the stairs looking pretty asa picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tiedback in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted James. 'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the houseand slammed the front door behind her. 'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen. 'The bloody dance is called the ...... Twist!'
She cooked me a wonderful meal.
Then stripped off her dress revealing her lacy undies, suspenders and stockings. "Tie me up," she commanded, "then you can do whatever you like!"
So I tied her wrists to the top of the bed, and tied her ankles to the bottom of the bed. Then I got my leather suit on, -
and went for a ride on my bike.
Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honoured to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.Dracula says, “Congratulations, how did you do that?” The bat said, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family.”“Very good” said Dracula.The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, “How did you do that?”The bat replies, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children.”“Impressive” said Dracula.Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.“How on earth did you do that?” he asked.And the bat replies, “Do you see this tower?”Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, “Well, I didn’t.”
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pensions you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you.
But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on Breakfast TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my room to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off last nights kebab, a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun prescriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!! XXX
A fellow stopped at a rural Irish petrol station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a dust bin and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the local council," Paddy said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the councils money?" "You don't understand, mister," said Paddy, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.
"Normally there's three of us--Me, Murphy and Mike. I dig the hole, Murphy sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back." "Yeah," piped up Mike. "Now just because Murphy's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine..
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
![Silly jokes (115) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![Silly jokes (115) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
