At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?
Thought 2
The average man's life consists of : Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; And at the end, the mourners wondering too.
Just passed an RAC man at the side of the road with his head in his hands and crying his heart out. Thought to myself "looks as if he's heading for a breakdown".
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
An explorer after spending weeks in a jungle, going round in circles, finally admits to himself he is lost. So, with a heavy heart, he stumbles onward through the under growth until at last, he reaches a part of the jungle he has never fore-to seen. What he has found is a clearing of quite substantial size! In this clearing there is a magnificent white house! So white, that he is dazzled for a moment and thinks he is seeing a mirage. After a few moments and very much shaking of his head, he can still see the the white house in the clearing, so, for his own sanity, he decides he will prove to himself, once and for all, that the white house is indeed real. He walks pensively up the white path, towards an impressive brilliantly white portico of white marble, and stands before a huge white door of oak. With a hand trembling hand, he take hold of the white knocker on the white door and gives it 3 firm but courageous raps. After a few seconds, the white door begins to open, on beautifully oiled hinges that make not the slightest sound. Before him stands a beautiful white lady, with hair so blonde, it could have been mistaken for being white! The white lady, upon seeing the bedraggled state of the man, stiffles a gasp of surprize, and says 'can I help you sir?' 'Madam', says the explorer,' I have been wandering round lost, in this jungle for 3 weeks, nothing have I seen but green and brown undergrowth. Now I happen upon this clearing, and find this magnificent white house, with a wonderous white door that is opened by a beautiful white lady all dressed in white, with hair so blonde, it could be mistaken for being white'. 'Please, could you find it in your heart to give me sustainance and respite from the dark greens and browns of the jungle?' 'Oh you poor man', says the white lady, 'but of course, you must come in and I will give you shelter and sustainance you are much in need of'. So, the explorer follows the white lady into the white house, down a long white corridor with a white carpet and white walls, to a large white kitchen. Where there is a huge white table, laid with white crockery, so white, the quality could never be in doubt. The white lady sits him down and serves up a feast of the finest white meat from the purest poultry that ever lived. She quenched his thirst with white wine from the whitest grapes the planet had ever yielded, from very rare white vines thatr mankind had forgotten existed. Once his hunger and thirst had be slaked, the white lady asked him if he would care to take a bath, to which he replied he would do anything, absolutely anything, to wash the filth his body had endured for so long. So the white lady led the man along the white corridor to the foot of a white staircase, and together they ascended to the landing where the white carpet seemed to grow thicker and more luxurient and the white walls seemed to radiate with a strange glow. Along the landing they walked, to a door, a white door, which the lady opened. Behind that white door, was a bathroom so magnificent the explorer wanted to cry. The tub was made of the finest and purest white marble, that was so smooth you could not feel it touching your skin. The white lady turned on the white taps, while she assisted the explorer to divest himself of his tattered raiments. When he was naked, the lady took 2 white bottles from a shelf above the white bath, and poured a generous amount of 2 white liquids from them into the water. The foam produced was so white, the explorer almost cried. Now the white lady helped the explorer into the bath, her white skin like porcelein against his grime encrusted hands. As he sank back in the exquistite whiteness of the waters, she took it upon herself to take a white sponge and after applying a white soap, proceeded to bathe the man as he relaxed. Once he was clean, the explorer stepped, refreshed from the white bath tub onto the white bath mat. The lady enveloped him in white towels, so soft he could have sworn their softness could only have been so as a result of their whiteness, she dressed him in white pyjamas and a white dressing gown, and put white satin slippers on his weary feet. Just as he thought his good fortune had ended, the white lady then led him by the hand down the white landing once more. To yet another white door, one of many more along the corridors length. Her delicate white hand grasped the white door knob and opened the white door onto the most magnificent bedroom he had ever laid eyes on, so white was the carpet and wall coverings, he wanted once more to cry. The white lady led him to the huge white four poster bed, and turned down the immaculate white coverings, plumped the white pillows and smoothed the white under sheet before allowing him to lie down. Before divesting him of his white dressing gown, she crossed to the window and closed the great white shutters and drew the heavy white drapes across them, allowing only the light from the white landing to illuminate the white bedroom. She crossed back to the man and aided him into the exquisite white bed with its white covers and white pillows and started back towards the white door. Before closing the door, and throwing the room into total darkness, the white lady turned and said, 'Sir, you must rest and regain all your strength before setting out to complete your journey, stay as long as you must and take full advantage of my hospitality. But I implore you, please, for your own sake, dont not press the large white button that is situated by the side of the huge white bed, for if you do, you will never find the peace you require'. Before the man could ask why, the white lady had left the room and closed the white door behind her, leaving him in almost total and perfect darkness. The man closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep, but sleep would not come to him. No, instead, he was trouble by the white lady's parting words, 'do not press the large white button at the side of the bed'. For hours he tossed and turned, unable to find the respite he so longed for, for his mind was in a turmoil over what ill may happen after his good fortune on finding a white lady in such a big white house with the good grace to offer him comfort and shelter, so curious was he, that sleep would not find him. Inevitably his curiosity got the better of him and he reached out a shaking hand toward the white button on the white wall, and after a brief hesitation, his trembling fingers pressed the white button. And the light came on!
A successful gynaecologist decides to fulfill his life's dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic. So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with Harley Davidson. After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine. He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads. He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished. He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends. Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed. "Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150." "But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks. "Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly." "And what did I get those additional fifty points for? "For doing it all through the exhaust!"
Three ducks were sitting at a bar and the bartender came over to the first duck and says: "what's your name and what've you been doing" the duck says " my names Heuie and I've been jumping in puddles" ,
then the bartender goes over to the second duck and asks, what's your name and what've you been doing", the second duck says "my names Duie and I've been jumping in puddles",
then the bartender goes over to the last duck and says "don't tell me your name is Louie and you've been jumping in puddles" the duck replies:
"no, my names Puddles and I've been having a bad day"!!!
Five friends lived in a room, friends name: 1- Mad 2- Brain 3- Fool 4- Nobody 5- Somebody One day somebody killed nobody at that time brain was in washroom, Mad: Called the police, Mad: is this the police station? Police: Yeh what is the matter? Mad: Somebody killed nobody Police: Are you mad? Mad: Yeah I'm MAD Police: Don't you have a brain? Mad: Brain is in the wash room.. Police: You fool.. Mad: No, Fool is reading this stupid e-mail..
During the Iraqi war a squad of Marines were driving up the highway between Basra and Baghdad. They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the marine was asked what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi solder."
"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of shit, and he yelled back, 'Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld are miserable pieces of shit.'"
"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."
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