If you've ever wondered what's the point of abstract research with no immediate practical application, remember that bread was invented 10,000 years ago, and butter 3,000 years ago, but it took until the eighteenth century before John Montagu put them together and invented the sandwich.
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him, and the old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died at the age of 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife replied, "Let him dig. I had him buried face down... and I know he won't ask for directions."
A man went into a supermarket, got 3 cans of dog food and walked up to the checkout.
The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"
The man replies, "No, I left it at home."
The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."
A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout.
The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"
And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."
Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."
A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.
The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."
The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"
A man walks in to a paint shop and says "Can I have a tin of paint, please?" "Certainly, Sir, what colour would you like?" replies the assistant. "It doesn't matter," said the man, "I've come on my bike"
<body style='background:transparent'></body></html>"" frameborder="0" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" style="border: 0px currentColor; border-image: none; vertical-align: bottom; display: none; visibility: hidden;"> A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a boobtube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she doesn't shave her armpits.
A sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."
The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."
There was these three little girls and they wanted to go on the fairground slide. The first little girl went to buy her ticket for the slide.
The ticket guy said before you go down this slide make a wish. She got to the top of the slide and the little girl said I wish for a lot of lolly pops. She reached the bottom and landed on a pile of lolly pops.
The next little girl went to get her magical slide ticket. Once again ticket guy made sure he told her to make a wish before she went down the slide. When the little girl got to the top she said I wish for a pile of chocolate and when she reached the bottom she fell in a pile of chocolate.
Now the last little girl arrived at the ticket office, but no one was there so she just went up to the top of the slide and she went, wee-wee-wee all the way down. I won't tell you the rest, you're way ahead of me!
A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old arse?"
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news….” The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?"
The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures this
week that she figures are worth a minimum of £2 to £3 million.” The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?” The lawyer answers:
two fishermen sat at the side of the canal happily fishing away when a funeral procession drove by behind them as it passed the one fisherman jumped up took his hat off and bowed his head in respect the other fisherman was a bit taken aback by this and said mate that was wonderfull a lovely show of respect to which the fisherman responded well its the least I could do we was married for 30 years.......
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