For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"
Two rednecks, Clarence and Cletus, who lived on opposite sides of the river had been feuding for years. finally, the local council built a bridge across it. The day it was completed, cletus stormed out of the house. His wife said "Where you a-goin’?" He said, "ahm gonna kick that son of a bitch clarence’s ass!" He gets halfway across the bridge and starts running back. His wife says, "why did you run back?" He replied, "well, I got halfway across and I saw a sign that on the bridge That said; clarence, 14’6" he's way to big for me to fuck with!"
I'm a woman and I'm tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women.
My husband has finally proven you all wrong.
He just texted me - "Jane my little brunette bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight! Hope you're ready for the best sex you've ever had ;). xxx"
What an idiot. First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I'm blonde and thirdly he's away at a conference tonight!
The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What can I get for you?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The barkeep was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
There were two Catholic Boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their Senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world; but, it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope. In time the Pope did die and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney, and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated, because even with all Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?" After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called, Pope Secola.
Chap walking down the street with a greek urn on his shoulder friend says whats that on your shoulder, A greek urn friend says whats a greek urn, oh about 10 bob a week .
A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is priceless.
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg and Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning. Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand! Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Commandment 6 Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why one treats the other like toxic waste. Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. BONUS STORY A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin. The husband decided to make a wish, too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'
Two bears were sitting at the side of the river near Ottawa. The smaller bear turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as cubs. I just don't get it.' 'Well,' said the big Bear, 'what have you been eating?' 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Bear. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' 'Down near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings.' 'And how do you do it?' 'Well, I hide under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!' 'Ah!' says the big Bear, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.'
Three Golfing Girlfriends Three golfing Girlfriends are playing the 9th hole when a naked man wearing a bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three women look and are in shock at the size of his manhood. The first woman says, "Well he definitely is not my husband." The second woman looks at his manhood and says "He’s not my husband either." The third woman takes a good look and says "He's not even a member of this club."
![Silly jokes (118) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![Silly jokes (118) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
