A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As
they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his
trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on." She put them
on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your
trousers," she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you
ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this
relationship." With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try
these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far
as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"
She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay
until your attitude changes."
A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The
man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I
know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the
receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some
jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
A LOVE STORY FOR GOLFERS
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"Martha said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.""All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
daffy duck is staying in a hotel and he's having a few drinks in the
bar, when he notices a woman sitting alone and starts chatting with
her. They hit it off, so the daffy suggests going back to his room for a
nightcap. The woman agrees. One thing leads to another and they end up
on the bed. This is all very unexpected for the daffy, who is totally
unprepared. He rings room service and asks if they can supply him with
a condom. "Certainly sir," a voice on the end of the phone replies.
"Shall I put it on your bill?" daffy yells back: don't be thucking thupid I'll thufocate!!
bluesbiker In: Birmingham in th
Posts: 2510
Karma:
A man takes his dog to the vets.
Vet ... "what's the problem"
Man..."I think It's cross eyed"
The vet picks up the dog and looks at it's eyes.
Vet..."I'm gonna have to put it down"
Man..."why! cus it's cross eyed"
vet... "No, cuz Its bloody heavy"
bluesbiker In: Birmingham in th
Posts: 2510
Karma:
A woman went to visit her husbands grave. As she arrived, she saw six men carrying a coffin.
an hour later as she was leaving, she saw them again still with the coffin and thought to herself....
"I think they've lost the plot"
What are the 3 fastest ways of communication in the world ?
1. Tele-phone
2. Tele-vision
3. Tell-a-woman
You still want faster ??
Tell her not to tell anyone !!!
Passenger taps his taxi driver on the shoulder. The driver sh**ts himself, swerves, nearly hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window.
"F*** me, you're jumpy aren't you? I only tapped your shoulder", says the passenger.
"Sorry", says the cabbie. "It's my first day. I've been driving an f***ing hearse for the last 20 years.
Fine wines<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
"Men are like fine wine: they start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with." <o:p></o:p>
"Women are like fine wine: they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind, and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
<o:p></o:p>
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly." <o:p></o:p>
You know when you're getting old.......................
I was watching p*rn the other nite and found myself thinking:
"F*** me, that bed looks comfy!!"
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