A family decide to buy a parrot from a bird rescue centre-they're informed the bird formerly lived in a brothel but decide to take it anyway so they cover the cage and take it home. On removing the cover the parrot looks around the room then chirps "new premises",looks at the mother and chirps "new madam",the daughter walks in and the parrot chirps "new girl". Then her dad walks in and the parrot chirps "alright Keith?"
Vicar strolling through village meets two young children leading a slavering Pitbull on a chain... "Hello children, and what are your names?" "I'm Samantha,and this is my little brother Sidney" "And is this your ..erm...doggie?" "Yes,Vicar" "And does you doggie have a name?" "Yes,PORKY!!" "Ooh...how unusual...Why do you call him Porky" "'Cause he fucks pigs!"
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie’s lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it and lo and behold – a genie appeared. The amazed woman soon came back to her senses and asked if she would get three wishes. The genie said,“Nope… due to inflation, constant downsizing and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what’ll it be?” The woman didn’t hesitate. She took out a map and said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting each other.” The genie looked at the map and exclaimed,“Gadzooks, lady! These people have been at war with each other for thousands of years! I’m good but not THAT good! It can’t be done. Make another wish.” The woman thought for a minute and said,“Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time and is faithful. That’s what I wish for — a good mate.” The genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said: “Let me see that map again!”
An inventor built a car to run on chicken power,by using genetically modified poultry on a treadmill...on it's first run up the A1 it shuddered to a halt. The AA were called..the patrolman spent 10 minutes under the bonnet, then said"There's the trouble mate,your big 'ens gone"
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? Do you think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’ The husband calmly replied: ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.
A busload of politicians were driving down a country lane in America's south, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer, "where all the politicians had gone." The old farmer told him: "he had buried them." The sheriff asked the old farmer: "Lordy, were they 'ALL' dead?" The old farmer said: "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
A burglar was going through the drawers of someone else's living room when he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you." He froze, but after two or three minutes with nothing happening, he figured he'd imagined it and continued. "Jesus is watching you." He turned and shone his torch across the room, eventually coming to rest on a parrot in the corner. He walked up to it and asked, "Did you say that?" "Oh, yes." responded the parrot. "So you can speak good English?" "Yes, pretty good" "What's your name?" "Moses." The burglar considered this, then replied, "What kind of IDIOT names a parrot Moses?" "The same kind of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
There were two strangers sitting in a bar, one says to the other."Psst, wanna see somethin'?" The other man shrugged and agreed. The first man pointed to an object covered by a cloth. "Look under that cloth but DO NOT take it off. So the man walks over to the object that is quite large and peeks under it.However, when he saw what was under it he screamed and accidentally pulled the cloth off. It was a one eyed purple monster! The man was so scared he took off in his car. The monster was hot on his trail. He drove to the airport and on the plane he felt safe but he looked into the ocean and the monster was swimming after him to Africa! When he got there he ran off the plane without his luggage. He couldn't run anymore and the monster was coming closer. He could feel it's hot breath. He stopped and the monsters big hand reached down. The man knew this was his last day when he heard in a growling voice as an impact hit him, 'YOUR IT!' And the monster ran away.
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