An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots ''Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.
Farmer Giles phones a neighbouring Farmer for advice.He says "I`ve just run over a pig with the tractor and it got stuck in the wheels, what shall I do?"The neighbour advises " Just shoot it then bury it!"Farmer Giles says " I've done that but what am I gonna do with the speed gun???"<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "
"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him..."
Billy stuck in traffic jam on M2 motorway into Belfast.....
Suddenly, a man knocks on his window. Billy rolls down the window and asks what's happening.
Man says.. the UDA have kidnapped the X-Factor twins and are asking for 10 million quid or they are going to pour petrol over them and burn them.....we are going from car to car having a collection.
Billy asks, how much is everyone giving?
Man says..................
About a gallon!
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)The children began to identify the flavors by their color:Red......................CherryYellow................LemonGreen..................LimeOrange...............OrangeFinally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.None of the children could identify the taste.The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
Patrick Swayze died, making it 1-0 to the actors,then Michael Jackson and Stephen Gately put the pop stars 2-1 ahead...Now Edward Woodward has died thats the equalizer...............
2 Mexicans lost in a desert, they see a tree in the distance.
As they get nearer, they see it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon, smoked, crispy, juicy bacon.....................
"Hey Pepe" says the first, "ees a bacon tree, we are saved!"
Then he runs down to the tree, as he gets within 5 feet of it, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.
Second Mexican shouts to Pepe "What's happened?"
With his last breath, Pepe shouts " Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree......... ees a ham bush".
(no emoticon with head buried in hands!!!!) lol
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT !!!!
Does your wife or girlfriend have any unwanted gold jewellery?
Rings....earrings....bracelets? If so.............
Give her a slap - ungrateful cow !!!
An Irish gypsy woman is about to get married.
Her mother says, "Mary, you do realise that when you are married, your husband will want to stick his most prized thing into where you pee?"
Daughter replies, "Shut up maa, how's he gonna fit his Fireblade into the sink ?"
Ba-bum - *tish*
Just watched the news for the hard of hearing about the floods.......
The sign language woman finally gave up trying to explain
"Cockermouth".............
Does anyone know how to retract a bid on e-bay ?
I made a bid for a Mickey Mouse outfit and now I'm 6 minutes away
from owning Liverpool Football Club.
Grandmas don't know everything
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her......
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.
'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said 'Oh, ok,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse.
It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'
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