His Dad explains that the food passes down the esophagus to the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before the waste products descend via the colon and rectum.....to emerge as poo..
"Blimey!" says the little boy, "so, where the heck does Tigger come from then???"
When asked if he preferred legs or breasts, Paddy said that he had a particular fondness for shaved f*nnies.
He was informed that this wasn't an option with a KFC Bargain Bucket.
This bloke fancies a girl in his office but she has a boyfriend.
He approaches her anyway and offers her £1000 if she'll have sex with him. "I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll be done by the time you pick it up."
The girl consults her boyfriend.
He advises her to go for it and pick it up real fast, he won't have a chance!!
An hour later he calls her and asks what's going on.
"I can hardly F***ING WALK!!" she replies... "The B*ST*RD used 2p's
paddy is sitting in the black chair on mastermind
he is asked what his subject is
paddy replies "geography to be sure"
ok paddy first qusestion
where is uganda
thats easy says paddy !! "he,s in blackpool wit me granny" !!
one day god greated man
he looked at his creation and thought PERFECTION!!!
the following day god created woman
he took one look and said
F**K ME that will have to wear make up !!!!!!
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said..
"Jesus knows you're here."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."
The burglar relaxed, "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus."
A family is driving behind an Ann Summers Delivery Lorry when a Large Dildo flies out & hits their windscreen.To Hide her embarrassment the mother says to the children “ That was a big insect”To which the 7 year old son replies “ I’m surprised it could f**k**g fly with a cock that size” <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?''Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..' Same for me,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?' 'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.''That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
OK guys, hands up. I refreshed this topic because im running out of shortish, cleanish jokes for my daily facebook status! . . . keep em coming or ill have to put something boring up there instead!!
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me f or a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the e xpensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' -----------A hospital spokesperson said that he is on life support..
Little Johnny's mother gets a knock on the door. Opening it she finds Little Lisa's mother stood there looking angry.
"I've just caught your son playing doctors and nurses with my daughter", she snaps.
"I'm really sorry," says Little Johnny's mother, "I'll talk to him about it. To be fair it's not unusual for children of their age to be curious about sex."
"SEX??", shouts Little Lisa's mother, "I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT SEX, HE'S JUST TAKEN HER APPENDIX OUT!"
A little boy wanted a new bike for Christmas. His mother told him they did not have any money for a bike. But she told him if he would tell Jesus what a good boy he would be, maybe Jesus would allow him to have one.
The little boy sat down to write Jesus a letter. As he began the letter..."Dear Jesus I will be good for one year..." He scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one month..." Then he scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one whole week...." In his disgust he tore up the paper and went for a walk.
As he walked he passed by the local church were there was a Nativity scene. He began to run as fast as he could and, when he past by the figure of Mary, grabbed her up and ran home. He ran in the front door and to his room. There he began a new letter that started..."Dear Jesus if you ever want to see your mother again..."
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. ‘Jesus Christ!’ he exclaimed.
Joseph said, ‘Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!’
I went to the doctors yesterday and asked "do you treat alcoholics?" he replied "yes" I said " any chance of taking me for a pint & a curry then, I'm skint!"
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