The Black Bra As sadly told by a wife.........I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet In a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.My engaged friend:The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather Bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.The mistress:Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.Then I had to share my story:When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
WOMEN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it." .
The three bears
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants... It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. 'It was Mummy Bear who walked the dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water... 'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!'
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Dave, how aboutTom Cruise?'
'No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.' SoDave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, 'Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks himknowing Cruise was just lucky.
No, no, just name anyone else,' Dave says. 'President Bush,' his bossquickly retorts.
Yup,' Dave says, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington .' And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.'
Well, the boss is much shaken by now but still not totally convinced.After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
The Pope,' his boss replies.Sure!' says Dave. 'I've known the Pope for years.'So off they fly to Rome .Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says, 'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.'
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican . Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,'What happened?' His boss looks up and says,
'It was the final straw - you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,
'Who the f*%*'s that on the balcony with Dave?'
The average Icelandic cock size is 11 inches, average Italian cock size is 9 inches, average American cock size is 7 inches and the average British cock size is 5 inches.....THAT'S why mums go to Iceland!!
Mr cadbury met Ms Rowntree on a Double Decker, it was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street, in front of the Fishermans Friend pub. he asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said in a quiet Wispa.
"I'm marathon, the one with the nuts" he said!!Then he touched her Cream Eggs.
They checked into a hotel, he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Milky way.
He then fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs...it was a Fab moment as she let out a scream of sheer Turkish Delight!!!
Sadly, 3 days later his Sherbert Fountain started to drip... It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had alsorts...
Alex Ferguson A new watch Mark Hughes Nothing, got everything Fabio Capello A decent English keeper David Moyes Please can I have money ? Owen Coyle SATNAV, we're hopeless on the road Arsene Wenger A sense of humour Roberto Martinez A decent defence Rafael Benetiz A book on how to win Premiership Steve Bruce A nice new nose please Santa Gary Megson For the Bolton fans to love me Avram Grant Time please Ian Holloway A proper football ground Roy Keane Santa, are you trying to be funny ? Go away now, evil stare !
How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ? Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve ! What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ? The letter "D" ! What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ? Santa Claustrophobia ! What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ? Black mail ! Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ? Santa Paws ! Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ? Because it soots him !
Here's one for cw1066 !!!
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot ???
The first one is an Australian marsupial.................
The second is a Geordie stuck in a lift !!!
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