The Last 11 Things Any Man Would Ever Say:<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
· I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker. <o:p></o:p>
· While I'm up, can I get you a beer? <o:p></o:p>
· I think hairy butts are really sexy. <o:p></o:p>
· Her tits are just too big. <o:p></o:p>
· Sometimes I just want to be held. <o:p></o:p>
· That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody. <o:p></o:p>
· Sure I'd love to wear a condom! <o:p></o:p>
· We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse. <o:p></o:p>
· Feck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown. <o:p></o:p>
· I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions <o:p></o:p>
· No, I don't mind watching Thelma and Louise again. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The Last 11 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say:<o:p></o:p>
· Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. <o:p></o:p>
· Go ahead and leave the seat up,
· I think hairy butts are really sexy. <o:p></o:p>
· Hey, get a whiff of that one. <o:p></o:p>
· Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute. <o:p></o:p>
· This diamond is way too big! <o:p></o:p>
· I don't mind throwing all these useless shoes out. <o:p></o:p>
· I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. <o:p></o:p>
· Wow, it really is 14 inches! <o:p></o:p>
· Does this make my butt look too small? <o:p></o:p>
· I'm wrong, you must be right again. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
I bumped into a man crying uncontrollably outside a department store in Liverpool yesterday, and all he could go on about was how he hates this time of year, dressing up in a ridiculous red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people.I said, "Look, Mr.Gerrard, you chose to play for Liverpool."
I was in ASDA today with 2 full trollies of booze & all my shopping, when a little old lady got behind me in the queue.
She only had a pint of milk, so i said "is that all you've got love?"
She replied "yes"
So i did the decent thing & said "if i were you i'd f*** off to another till, i'm gonna take ages"
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.<o:p></o:p>
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.<o:p></o:p>
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.<o:p></o:p>
7. Look at the size of his putter.<o:p></o:p>
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.<o:p></o:p>
5. Mind if I join your threesome?<o:p></o:p>
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.<o:p></o:p>
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.<o:p></o:p>
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.<o:p></o:p>
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.<o:p></o:p>
Be careful with the holiday gifts for the ones you "love"
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day, so that he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his naffin forehead.
Maybe next time, he'll buy me a diamond.
*DISCLAIMER* - IN NO WAY DOES THIS JOKE REPRESENT MY VIEWS AND I AM NOT, NOR EVER HAVE BEEN MARRIED
Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest."If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant."How do we enter?" asked the first man."Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex.""O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man."Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on."Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex.""2" said the second man"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged.""No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."
The Good, the bad and the ugly
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you. Good: Your son's finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you. Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer. Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47. Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas. Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way ugly: She makes more money than you do. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's you're best friend. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
Oops!! Blonde moment!!
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySydney".
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to contain at least 8 characters and one capital.
If you dug a hole through the center of the earth and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity?
If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and your the main witness, what if you say "no"?
How far east can you go before you're heading west?
Why is it that on a phone or calculator the number five has a little dot on it?
Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?
When Atheists go to court, do they have to swear on the bible?
If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
If a cannibal was on death row could he ask for the last guy that was electricuted for his last meal?
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Why are all of the Harry Potter spells in Latin if they're English?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Paddy's wife was ready to give birth, so he rushed her to hospital.
On arrival, the nurse asks, "how dilated is she?"
Paddy replies, "oh jaysus, we're both f***ing over the moon!"
Three day strike
Suicide bombers globally are set to begin a three-day strike onMonday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to inthe afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to producean agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that thenumber of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will becut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cutwas the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and asubsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union's british branch, the BritishOrganisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with astatement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediatelyballoted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members areliterally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don'task for much in return but to be treated like this by management is akick in the teeth." Mr Amir accepted and acknowledged the limited availability ofvirgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borneentirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas AbuHamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complainsAmir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can AlQaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for thepeople who do the real work?" Speaking from the shed in the rear of a garage in South Londonwhere he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Ladenexplained - "We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda issimply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply notaccepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitivemarketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virginsin the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditureand laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of mystaff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary toattract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the bestpeople if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr.Bin-Laden. Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditchproposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after afailure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........and theother option well, it's too much of a mouthful to swallow". Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend,suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branchesare supporting the strike. Only the Iranian branch, which has adifferent union, is likely to continue working. However, members of that branch will only be using "waist-down"explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren. MORE AT 6
2 Doctors having sex. He says to her 'you must be a surgeon, you washed yr hands before and after'. She says 'you must be an anethaestatist, cos i couldnt feel a thing'
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