A chemist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant, who replied, "He came in for some cough syrup but I couldn't find any, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."
"You idiot!!" said the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Of course you can," the assistant replied, "look at him, he daren't bloomin cough now !!!"
Passenger taps his driver on the shoulder. The driver craps himself, swerves, nearly hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window. Passenger says "You're a bit jumpy aren't you mate I only tapped your shoulder" "Sorry" says the cabbie,"It's my first day on the job, I've been driving a hearse for the last twenty years!!!"
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A..D.D -Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.This is how it manifests:I decide to water my garden.As I turn on the hose in the driveway,I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.As I start toward the garage,I notice mail on the porch table thatI brought up from the mail box earlier.I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.I lay my car keys on the table,put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,and notice that the can is full.So, I decide to put the bills backon the table and take out the garbage first.But then I think,since I'm going to be near the mailboxwhen I take out the garbage anyway,I may as well pay the bills first.I take my cheque book off the table,and see that there is only one cheque left.My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,so I go inside the house to my desk whereI find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.I'm going to look for my cheques,but first I need to push the Pepsi asideso that I don't accidentally knock it over.The Pepsi is getting warm,and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,a vase of flowers on the countercatches my eye--they need water.I put the Pepsi on the counter anddiscover my reading glasses thatI've been searching for all morning.I decide I better put them back on my desk,but first I'm going to water the flowers.I set the glasses back down on the counter,fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.Someone left it on the kitchen table.I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the remote,but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,but first I'll water the flowers.I pour some water in the flowers,but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.So, I set the remote back on the table,get some towels and wipe up the spill.Then, I head down the hall trying toremember what I was planning to do.At the end of the day:the car isn't washedthe bills aren't paidthere is a warm can ofPepsi sitting on the counterthe flowers don't have enough water,there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,I can't find the remote,I can't find my glasses,and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all @#$% day, and I'm really tired.I realize this is a serious problem,and I'll try to get some help for it,but first I'll check my e-mail....Do me a favour.Forward this message to everyone you know,because I don't remember who I've sent it to.Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
Do You Remember Elmo The Little Red Muppet From Sesame Street
There is a factory in Minnesota USA that makes electronic Elmos that laugh when you tickle them under the arms.
A new girl was taken on at the factory recently and she reported for work promptly at 8am.
The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the personnel managers door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new girl.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire factory behind schedule.
The personnel manager decides he should see for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they are really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new girl surrounded by mountains of Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of marbles.
The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a piece of fabric, wraps two marbles in it and then begins to sew the little package between Elmos legs.
The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the new girl.
"I'm sorry", he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two TEST TICKLES!!!!!!!!!!!
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven.
Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.''That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?''Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the blonde. 'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
The third is'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?''Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same). The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.''Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?''Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.' St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?''It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?''Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his Billy boiled.' And the blonde entered Heaven... Worse ... you're now singing it to yourself, aren't you?!
A 98 year old Mother Superior in an Irish rural convent was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey more comfortable. They tried to give her some warm milk but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it an poured a generous measure into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superiors bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more and before long had finished the entire glass.
"Mother,"the nuns asked with earnest,"Please give us some words of wisdom before you die.
She raised herself up in bed and said,
"Whatever you do DONT SELL THAT COW!!!!!"
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else
Never test the depth of the water with both feet
If you think nobody cares if you're alive or dead Try missing a couple of mortgage payments
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes That way when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and you'll have their shoes
If at first you don't succeed Skydiving is probably not for you
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat all day and drink beer
If you lend someone twenty pounds and you never see them again It was probably well worth the twenty pounds
If you tell the truth You don't have to remember anything
Some days you are the bug Some days you are the windscreen
Good judgment comes from bad experience Most of that comes from bad judgment
A closed mouth gathers no foot
There are two excellent theories for arguing with a woman Neither of them works
Generally speaking You are not learning much when your lips are moving
Experience is something that you don't get until just after you need it
The Hypnotist
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?" <o:p></o:p>
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.. ". It worked, the headaches are all gone!"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back!" He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back!". He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my Wife. She's Not my wife. She's not my wife..."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
His funeral service will be held on Friday.<o:p></o:p>
I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.They asked me what I would like for my birthday.I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A rebel without a clue.
There were two flea friends that decided to go to MCN at Skeggie.The first flea got there early and was lounging on the beach when the second flea got there. The second flea was sniffling, sneezing and really sick.The first flea asks him why he is so sick. The second flea says, "I caught a ride in a biker's mustache on the way here. It was freezing, sleeting and snowing."The first flea say, "Next year, do what I do. I go to a local bike meet, crawl up the leg of a beautiful woman and catch a ride in her hair."So next year the first flea again arrives early. The second flea arrives later and he is sick again - this year even worse. The first flea asks, "Why didn't you try what I told you to do last year?"The second flea says, "I DID - I crawled up a beautiful woman's leg and was quietly waiting in her hair. The next thing I know, I was riding down the road in a biker's mustache again.
A man goes into the barbers for a shave and mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks, I have just the thing says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. Just place this between your cheek and gum, After a few strokes of the razor the client asks what if i swallow it , no problem says the barber just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.
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