At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?''Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.''Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusualquestion had a practical answer.But on he went, in his obnoxious way:'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?''Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and sendthem back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.''I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could flusterthe know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do withall the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?''Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi....'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.After every flight, pilots for a well known airline fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by the pilots (marked with a "P"), and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers (marked with an "S").P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft...P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit P: Dead bugs on windshield.S: Live bugs on back-order.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200ft per min descent.S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.S: Evidence removed. P: <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:stockticker>DME</st1:stockticker> volume unbelievably loud.S: <st1:stockticker>DME</st1:stockticker> volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: <st1:stockticker>IFF</st1:stockticker> inoperative in OFF mode. S: <st1:stockticker>IFF</st1:stockticker> always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield.S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing.S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums.S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.And the best one for last................... <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.<o:p></o:p>
A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter: Dear Sasha, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
All my love Ron P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.<o:p></o:p>
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. <?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O:P></O:P>
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' <O:P></O:P>
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.' <O:P></O:P>
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.’ <O:P></O:P>
'Say, that's fantastic!,' replied the first man. <O:P></O:P>
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. <O:P></O:P>
The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.' <O:P></O:P>
I like it!' said his seat mate. <O:P></O:P>
The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.. <O:P></O:P>
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to ‘do his business’ all over the seat. <O:P></O:P>
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?' <O:P></O:P>
The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'<O:P></O:P>
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.<o:p></o:p>
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.<o:p></o:p>
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.<o:p></o:p>
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.<o:p></o:p>
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'<o:p></o:p>
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'<o:p></o:p>
After having their 11th child, a not too bright couple decided that they had reached the limit, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.<o:p></o:p>
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The husband said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.<o:p></o:p> So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you? The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows , but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from Bupa!<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?" At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,<o:p></o:p>
'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'<o:p></o:p>
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem ?'Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.Principal : 'What is 3 x 3 ?'<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>Harry : Ə.'Principal : 'What is 6 x 6 ?'Harry : འ.'And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'Ms. Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'The principal and Harry both agreed.Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?'Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?'The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !Harry replied : 'Pockets.'Ms. Brooks : 'What does a dog do that a man steps into ?'Harry : 'Pants.'Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?'Harry : ' Coconut.'The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.Ms. Brooks :' What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?'The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'Ms. Brooks : 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?'Harry : 'Shake hands.'The principal was trembling.Ms. Brooks : 'What word starts with an ' F ' and ends in ' K ' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?'Harry : 'Fire truck.'The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,' Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."So he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p> </o:p>'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'"Can you read this?" the optician asked."Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.""Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'Then little Ralphy says, 'I have a question for you miss. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: one is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream, the second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone, the third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? '
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p> </o:p>
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.' To which Little Ralphy replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
Little Ralphy goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi- syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Ralphy says 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Ralphy, that's a mouthful.' Little Ralphy says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
Little Ralphy was sitting in class one day when all of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, Ralphy, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'Little Ralphy, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger t*ts, you'd be a <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:stockticker>TEN</st1:stockticker>!'
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually in a puzzled tone he asks her...
"You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
A Cowboy Whisperer meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills
Cowboy: 'Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?' Indian: 'Dog no talk.' Cowboy: 'Hey dog, how's it going?' Dog: 'Doin' all right.' Indian: (Look of shock!) Cowboy: 'Is this Indian your owner?' (pointing at the Indian) Dog: 'Yep.' Cowboy: 'How does he treat you?' Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.' Indian: (Look of total disbelief) Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?' Indian: 'Horse no talk.' Cowboy: 'Hey horse, how's it going?' Horse: 'Cool.' Indian: (Extreme look of shock!) Cowboy: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing to the Indian) Horse: 'Yep.' Cowboy: 'How's he treat you?' Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather.' Indian: (Look of total amazement) Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?' Indian: 'Sheep lie.'<?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O:P></O:P>
Can
you cry under water?
How
important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated
instead of just murdered?
Why
do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a " penny for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once
you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for
eternity?
Why
does a round pizza come in a square box ?
What
disease did cured ham actually have?
How
is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea
to put wheels on luggage?
Why
is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every
two hours?
Why
are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why
do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look
at things on the ground?
Why
do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're goNnA to
see you naked anyway.
Why's
"bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why
do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp,
which no decent human being would eat ?
If
Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?
Can
a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If
the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't
he fix a hole in a boat?
Why
does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're
both dogs!
If
WileY E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just
buy dinner?
If
corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what's
baby oil made from?
If
electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?
Do
the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Why
did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did
you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when
you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?
Why
did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting
in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba
says, "I think I'm
gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits, sips his beer and says,
“Better think it over... .........women like that are hard to find.."
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT
THINGS ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1.
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family
values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did
you?' Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden
name?' --------------------------------------------------------- 2. A
little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come
from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your
mother, cause I still have
mine.' --------------------------------------------------------- 3.
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge
said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,' 'That's very fair,
your Honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a
few bucks
myself.
-------------------------------------------------------- 4.
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the
husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me
neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the
kids.'
----------------------------------------------------------- 5.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been
living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will
have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The
old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and
wife.'
---------------------------------------------------------- 6.
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all
matches. 2. There are no dental
records.
---------------------------------------------------------- 7.
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to
fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just a
minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs
up.
---------------------------------------------------------- 8.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How
was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective
replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure
made a hole in
Juan.'
----------------------------------------------------------- 9.
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah.
Until I married her I didn't believe in
Hell.'
---------------------------------------------------------- 10.
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him
how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K.. But I didn't like the four letter-words the
doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the
nurse. 'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------ 11.
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even
considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. 'What do
you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a
bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in
intensive care.
---------------------------------------
12. The
graveside service had just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of
thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more
thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor
and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
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