Tiger Puzzle
One morning our blonde calls her friend Jack and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
Jack asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
Our blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Jack figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.
She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says:
"First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box..........
A marriage counselor was attempting to determine an angry wife's general demeanor.
"Did you wake up grumpy this morning?" he asked.
"No," replied the woman, "I just let him sleep."
A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," said the psychic, "Next year - in biology class."
A burglar was going through a condo, he came across a parrot, and the parrot said, "God is watching you." The burglar just ignored it.
The parrot said, more loudly this time, "God is watching you, and Jesus is coming!"
The burglar asked the parrot, "If you're so smart, then what's your name?"
The parrot replied, "Moses."
"What kind of moron names a parrot Moses?" laughed the burglar.
The parrot replied, "The same fool who named his two pit bulls God and Jesus."
This penguin was having car problems, so he pulled his car into the garage for a check-up. The mechanic points at the restaurant across the street and says, "Go over there and get a bite to eat, and I'll take a look." The penguin does exactly as he says.
After a while he waddles back, and the mechanic is looking under the hood. The penguin asks him if he's been able to figure out what went wrong. The mechanic glances over his shoulder and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin quickly wipes his mouth and says, "Oh, no, no --That's just tartar sauce."
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best.
A cowboy is sitting in a bar and a cute woman sits down next to him.
She asks:" Are you a real cowbow?"
He says:" Well, I get up in the mornin and feed the stock. I ride a horse. I mend fences and herd cattle. I believe, I'm a real cowboy.
Then the cowboy asks the woman:" What are you?"
She replies:" I'm a lesbian. I get up in the morning and think about women. When I sleep, I dream about women, and when I want to have sex, I want to have sex with women.
After a few minutes the woman leaves and a couple comes in and sits next to the cowboy and asks:" Are you a real cowbow?"
He replies:"I thought I was, but now I think Im a lesbian."
one for you blokes lol
Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.
No further testing is planned.
A guy walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, buddy, if you can think of a good name for this bar, I'll give you a free beer."
So the guy goes outside and tries to think of a name. A beautiful lady walks by and he asks her her name. "Sarah," she says. He looks at her incredible legs and realizes "Sarah's Legs" would make a great name for the bar. He goes back inside and tells this story to the bartender, who immediately agrees and renames the bar "Sarah's Legs."
The next day, the guy is sitting outside the same bar when a lady walks by and asks, "What are you doing out here, handsome?"
"Oh, he answers, "I'm just waiting for Sarah's Legs to open so I can have a couple of quick ones."
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