Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
Couple driving home and run over a badger, they get out and find its still breathing but freezing cold.
He says,"Put it between your legs to warm it up",
She says,"But its all wet and it stinks!!!!!!!!!"
He says" Well hold the badgers f***ing nose then!!!!!!!!!!"
I have kleptomania, But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough. Heaven is Where: The Police are British, The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German, The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where: The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss and It's all organized by the Italians.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Victoria!Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now, Tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist With a limited inventory
The statement below is true. The statement above is false. I may be schizophrenic, But at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.
KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
In Memoriam With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Money isn't everything, But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion That occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines! I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Complaints from Council House Owners. These are genuine clips from councilcomplaint letters: 1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow. 4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant 10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy. 12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2. A Spot of British Humor As reported in the newpaper... Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."(The Daily Telegraph) _____ Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.(The Guardian) _____ At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.(Aberdeen Evening Express) _____ Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"(Bournemouth Evening Echo) ____ A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to theirpassengers... "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction." ____ "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any." _____ "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...." _____ "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door." _____ "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"
removed the missing pics for you bud, u gotta remember that you can't copy/paste straight from another website. Sometimes the photos you want to copy are dynamically embedded within another website so you can't just copy them over. You should only really copy text, and even then you should copy it into notepad first (To strip the formatting) then copy it from notepad to BM.
Why Football Grounds Are Like Women
1. there is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of play2. pitches vary from the well grassed to the completley bald3. remember, it is possible to score at both ends4. tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with ground owner5. be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground6. only some grounds offer five a side facilities7. dont ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previosly visited8. extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings9. if the ground does not seem to have undersoil heating, suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner10. when building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back11. wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles12. always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel, do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnell to the goal mouth and score. that can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground13. personal morals may be compromised by local derbies14. it is illegal to play on small,unturfed pitches15. from time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbant goalie16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy17. French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should18. very few grounds are found with executive boxes19. be wary of grounds with room for coaches20. always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy two evenings a week21. pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if u piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead22. players must agree personal terms with the club before being allowed to play on the turf23. always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). that said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player
Couple of New Ones Guys
Granddad and the Tax Office (HMRC) The HMRC decides to inspect Granddad, and summons him to the tax office. The tax inspector was not surprised when Granddad showed up with his solicitor. The inspector said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure that HMRC finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Granddad. 'How about a demonstration?' The inspector thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Granddad says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.' The inspector thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Granddad removes his glass eye and bites it. The inspectors jaw drops. Granddad says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.' Now the inspector can tell Granddad isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Granddad removes his false teeth and bites his good eye. The stunned inspector now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Granddad's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Granddad asks 'I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The inspector, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old man could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Granddad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the inspector's desk. The inspector leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Granddad's own solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the inspector asks. 'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Granddad told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' Don't Mess with Old People!
Little Johnny The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.Simply dropping into Lidl,s for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen. Their large firm young breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look especially with all the rain we have been having. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Asda. You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing,and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet! I had my wallet stolen on December - 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th.Also January 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last Saturday and hopefully this coming weekend. So Be Warned! P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each,
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