The recent drop in terrorist suicide bombings has been attributed to the Susan Boyle effect.
Now the little fkers know what a virgin looks like they aren't so keen on getting to paradise.
Little Norwegian boy out shopping with mum and dad in the local sports shop. He spots an Everton shirt, grabs it and runs up to his mum ~Oh mum can I have this, the colour is just great and I feel 10 foot tall wearing it~ "NO sez mum. I'm a Liverpool fan and so is your dad. Ever since we saw them on sky sports we have been avid supporters. Whenever they are on the telly we watch them without fail." She clips him around the ear and tells him to go speak to his father. The boy goes to dad and sez "I really love this Everton shirt. I don't want anything for christmas or birthdays, just this shirt"....Dad roars at him clips him around the ear and tells him to go wait in the volvo and think about what he has done.
Mum and dad return to the car and ask the boy if he has anything to say..."yeah" sez the boy nursing his sore ears, "I've only been an Everton fan ten minutes and I already hate you red b*sterds".
The lesbians that live next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, I wanna watch.
GUTS OR BALLS
What's the Difference?
We've all heard aboutpeople having guts or balls, but do you really know thedifference between them? In an effort to keep youinformed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, beingmet by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you stillcleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling ofperfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on thebutt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.
A store that sells new husbands has opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:Floor 1 - These men have jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE:To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.The first floor has wives that love sex.The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Not really a joke. .but brings a smile to the face
• Midnight bugs taste best.• Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need.• Home is where your bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground.• The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.• Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory.• Never mistake horsepower for staying power.• If you don't ride in the rain - you don't ride.• A bike on the road is worth two in the shed.• Young riders pick a destination and go. . . Old riders pick a direction and go.• A good mechanic will let you watch without charging you for it.• Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night.• Winter is Nature's way of telling you to polish your bike.• Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.• The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome.• A friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2 am to drive his pickup to the middle of nowhere. • There's something ugly about a NEW bike on a trailer.• Practice wrenching on your own bike.• Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit• Maintenance is as much art as it is science.• If you ride like there's no tomorrow - there won't be. • Gray-haired riders don't get that way from pure luck• There are drunk riders. There are old riders. There are NO old, drunk riders.• No matter what marque you ride, it's all the same wind.and finally• Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"
"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya.... Prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"
LITTLE GIRL ON AN AIRPLANE<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.....' <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?<o:p></o:p>
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.<o:p></o:p>
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.<o:p></o:p>
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.<o:p></o:p>
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?""Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.""That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses".<o:p></o:p>
lol, very good
little tippet - if you copy and paste off the web again, don't forget to highlight it all and click on the A above for text colour, otherwise it comes out all white on grey like yours did good jokes tho
> > Letters to VIZ magazine > > > > > > * Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond > > > > > > * What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. > > > > > > * Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P Boddington, Ringway > > > > > > * Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours > > > > > > * What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight. > > > > > > * I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo. > > > > > > * WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time. > > > > > > * Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving those fat f*ckers? Its hardly fair. > > > > > > * Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius > > > > > > * The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar. > > > > > > * They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local. > > > > > > * If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics? > > > > > > * These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down > > > > > > * We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North Africa , Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will always be with us. > > > > > > * Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich .. > > > > > > * I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to. > > > > * Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore. > > > > > > * So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either. > > > > > > * I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is.................. who's sending the other one? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
two blondes doing a crossword puzzle.
"three down..old mcdonald had one"....
"I know" sez blonde 2, "it's farm"....
"great how do you spell that"
"er, I think its e i e i o"
The Lone Ranger's Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and capturedby an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,"So, you are the great Lone Ranger" "In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you,I grant you three requests""What is your FIRST request ?' The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is broughtbefore the Lone Ranger who whispers inSilver's ear,and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening,Silver returns witha beautiful blonde woman on his back.As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tentand spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admitshe's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse","But I will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request ?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speakto his horse.Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappearsover the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with avoluptuous brunette, more attractivethan the blonde.She enters the Lone Rangers tentand spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chiefis again impressed."You are indeed a man of many talents""But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, ....alone."
The Chief is curious,but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen Very Carefully !!!!FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...I SAID ...
"BRING POSSE"
A man says to his wife , "what would you do if I won the Lottery ?" She says, "I'd take half of it and then leave you." "Excellent," he replies, "I won £10, here's 5 now F*CK off!"
![Silly jokes (21) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![Silly jokes (21) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
