Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 726 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night.
Newspaper proof reading is an art, wouldn't you say?
Headlines from some real US newspapers
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter (Thats clever)
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says(No, really? Ya think?)
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers(Now that's taking things a bit far!) Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over(What a guy!) Miners Refuse to Work after Death('Good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!)
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant(See if that works any better than a fair trial!)
War Dims Hope for Peace(I can see where it might have that effect!)
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile(Ya think?!)
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures(Who would have thought!)
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide(They may be on to something!)
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges(You mean there's something stronger than duct tape)
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge(He probably IS the battery charge!)
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group(Weren't they big enough?!)
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft(That's what he gets for eating those beans!)
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks(Do they taste like chicken?)
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half(Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors(Boy, are they tall!)
And the winner is....Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead(Did I read that right?)
Pilots V Ground Crew!!
In case you need a laugh:Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a highschool diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'GripeSheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.. Themechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, andthen pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that Aussie ground crews lack a sense of humour.Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) bymaintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, hadan accident.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minutedescent.S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny............S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midgetpounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Update on International Alert States.......... The AP and UPI newswires have reported that the French Government hasannounced that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire, whichdestroyed France's White Flag factory, effectively disabling theirmilitary.The Italians have increased their alert level from "shouting excitedly"to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffectivecombat operations" and "change sides".The Germans have also increased their alert state from "disdainfularrogance" to "full dress-uniform and marching songs". They have twohigher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from"isolationism" to "find somewhere ripe for regime change". Theirremaining higher alert states are "take on the world" and "ask theBritish for help".Finally here in GB we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to"make another cup of tea". Our higher levels are "chin-up and remaincheerful" and "win".
A Young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. 'Do you have any sales experience?' asked the manager. 'Oh Aye; uff dunnabitta sales stuff back up eh road anat, ah'eh barras anat, know?', nodded the young weegie. The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job.
The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was settling in. 'So... how many sales did you make today'? He smiled at the boy. The weegie said: 'Jist the wan'. The manager was immediately disappointed. 'Wh-a-a-t? Just one? Harrods's sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for, anyway'? '£101,237.64' said the lad. The Harrods manager choked. 'Blimey... One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What in hell did you sell him?'Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gawin' fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat. We went down to the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat... then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I selt him a dinky 4x4 Suzuki...'.The manager was now incredulous. 'Wait a minute; you mean to tell me.... a guy came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a four-by-four?''Naw naw, big man... he came in tay buy a box of tampons furries missus and Ah said........."Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's f**ked, ye might as well go fishing..."'.
Nice one Johnny!
I love this, we shouldn't bear grudges but for the French we can always make an exception.
Viva GB!!
An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customsofficer asked sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready,' the customs officer said.
The elderly gentleman replied, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
'Impossible! The British always 'ave to show their passports en arrivee in France !'
The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained;
'Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any fu ***** Frenchmen to show it to!!'
This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "Whit wis that fur?" he cries. "That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.
"Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races an' Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on."She seems satisfied and apologies, and goes off to do work around the house.Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?"
"Your horse phoned!" she said.
ARE YOU GIVING 100%
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will get you to the top!!!!!!!!!!!!
Find Out Who Is Your Real Best Friend
If you dont believe it just try this experiment, it really works!!
Lock your wife and your dog in the boot of the car for an HOUR.
When you open the boot see which one is really happy to see you.
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all.
One student in particular was hard put to think of seven advantages.He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.2) It provides immunity against several diseases.3) It is always the right temperature.4) It is inexpensive.5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.6) It is always available as needed.And then, the student was stuck. Finally in desperation just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang he wrote....7) It comes in 2 cute containers.
He got an A.
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust... The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again.. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says...... The man replies Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?
CAJUN VIEW ON TERRORIST TORTURE...(true story)
Actual councilman from Ville Platte,Louisiana, was interviewed on his local radio station.
The councilman concerned had a few beers in him when he made these remarks.
Note: Ville Platte is noted for beers consumed per person in S. Louisiana as highest in state.
CAJUN VIEW ON TERRORIST TORTURE:
Wayne Doucet, a City Counselor from Evangeline, Louisiana, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted thunderous applause from the audience and his ejection from the studio.
What Counselor Doucet lacks in political correctness he makes up for with clarity.
HIS STATEMENT:"If hooking up one terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little shit will save just one American's life, then I have only three things to say: Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet."
Radio station: KVPI/ Ville Platte , LA.
When you pitch your tent next to a beautiful girl on the campsite, and she tells you that she is so hot that she will be sleeping with her flaps open. It is not an invitation for casual sex!!!
My case comes up next wednesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your f***ing plane!"
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
Little Ha-Mo is the son of a famous accountant in Hong Kong. Like most other children he went to a public school. Unfortunately he was doing very poorly in math. His parents had tried everything.... computer math programs, private tutors, after-school learning centers.... Nothing worked.
Finally, his aunt suggested to his parents that little Ha-Mo should go to a private Catholic school. After the first day, little Ha-Mo came home with a very serious look on his face and went straight to his room and hit the books. At dinner time, he would gobble down his food and go back to study. Day after day, he would go straight to study without wasting a minute of his time. His mother couldn’t understand what made the difference.
Months went by. Finally, little Ha-Mo brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went straight to his room. With a degree of dread, his mother peeped at the report card. Lo and behold, little Ha-Mo got an ‘A’ in math! She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Ha-Mo shook his head. "Well, then," she continued "Was it the uniform, the discipline, the religious teaching?"
Little Ha-Mo looked at her and said "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick.The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied "If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".
The boss had to
fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or
Jack.
It was an
impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than
flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water
cooler the next morning.
Mary came in
the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She
went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss
approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to
lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like
shit this morning."
On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP,and a redone labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his rear adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender lovingpleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your dick is under your pillow."
If all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept their same slogans ...
Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better.
Tesco Condoms - every little helps.
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger, Licking good.
Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.
Abbey condoms - because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Duracell condoms - keep going and going.
Macintosh condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple. (you won't get a pc user using these!!)
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop.
Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear condoms - for a longer ride go wide
FCUK condoms - no comment required.
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain
Halford condoms - we go the extra mile.
On-digital condoms - plug and play!!!!
Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what is says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!(sorry!)
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world.
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner.He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
" Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams... "Don't eat it, Jimmy !......
It's a f***ing arsehole...!!!"
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish.............................................49Adventurous.................Slept with all your matesAthletic......................................No t*tsAverage looking...............Has a face like an a*seBeautiful...........................Pathological liarContagious Smile..............Does a lot of pillsEmotionally Secure................On medicationFeminist.......................................FatFree spirit..................................JunkieFriendship first.......................Former sl*tFun..........................................AnnoyingGentle..........................................DullNew-Age............................Body hair problemsOpen-minded............................DesperateOutgoing........................Loud and EmbarrassingPassionate..............................Sloppy drunkPoet.......................................DepressiveProfessional..................................B*tchRomantic.......................................FrigidVoluptuous...................................Very FatLarge lady.................................Hugely FatWants Soul mate.........................StalkerWidow.........................................Murderer
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No2. No = Yes3. Maybe = No4. We need = I want..5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry6. We need to talk = I need to complain7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry2. I am sleepy = am sleepy3. I am tired = I am tired4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!5. I love you = Let's have sex now6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husbands condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didnt you! I hope youre proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!' The woman broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'Im just pulling your leg.
He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
My wife and I went to a country fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually recover.
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