Spoons.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I usethe spoon."
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!1 Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that1 Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.1 Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be1 Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.Crying is blackmail.1 Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!JUST SAY IT!1 Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question1 Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for1 A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor1 Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 daysI 1f you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us1 If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one1 You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it doneNot bothIf you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself1 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials1 Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we1 ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.We have no idea what mauve is.1 If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.1 If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle1 If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear1 When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really1 Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:Sex,Sport, orCars1 You have enough clothes1 You have too many shoes1 I am in shape. Round is a shapeIf all fails, read number 1 again......Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little b*st*rd
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?''I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?''Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!''Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?''Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and apint of bitter.Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to theCounter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
And final dig at the scousers for now...
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.It later turned out to be a tax disc
Some Bumper Stickers from GB and USA
Jesus loves you, everyone else think you’re a c**t!
This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
I have PMS and a Gun. ANY QUESTIONS?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Your kid may be at college, but you're still an IDIOT!
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Consciousness: That annoying time between beers.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Born free... taxed to death.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Some call it a six pack, I call it group therapy
HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!
Don't blame me! I didn't vote!
Don't drink and drive.... You might spill it.
This bike is not abandoned!
I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-F**K-YOU
Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here.
WARNING: Driver only carries £20.00 worth of ammunition.
Sex is like air, it's only bad when your not getting any.
Constipated people don't give a shit.
Practice safe sex, go f**k yourself.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
If that phone was up your arse, maybe you could drive better.
To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
If your not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
I'm out of bed and dressed....What more do you want.
I love cats...they taste like chicken.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't you happy?
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
Zero to bitch in 10 seconds
I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!
F**k the dog beware of owner.
If it's tourist season, Then why can't we shoot them.
Work Harder. People on the Dole Depend on You.
You are smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!
I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.
So many cats.....so few recipes.
My other ride is your MOTHER!!
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding
I couldn't fix the brakes, so I made the horn louder!
I lost my grandson in Tescos today.
Realising I wasn't there he went and found a security guard.
He told the guard he had lost his Grandad and the guard asked him,
"Whats your Grandad like"
He thought for a moment and then said to the guard,
"Motorbikes, Jack Daniels and women with big tits!!!!!!!!"
Thats my boy!
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum'. With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. "Dear Mum, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Nicholas. P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home."
Dear Madam,Your application to join our match making service has been rejected.You failed question #14 .What do you like best in a man?'' a knife '' was not an acceptable answer
I found out last night that my granny made a porno movie back in the fifties.I don't know what disgusts me more, the fact that she done it, or the fact that I carried on w*nking after I recognised her.
My Mrs is so fat,when she fell down the stairs i thought Eastenders was starting.
Journey of one man...When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional..Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide... So I decided I needed a girl with stability.When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her..She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet plantedfirmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious, that she divorced me and took everything I owned.I am older and wiser now and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Viz... DON'T WASTE money this Valentine's day buying your wife or girlfriend expensive underwear or chocolates. Simply buy her a pair of edible knickers from Ann Summers and kill two birds with one stone. ENJOY INDOOR snorkling by filling a bath with water, then removing the plug quickly putting your mouth over it and breathing through the overflow. EACH MONTH, put a pet mouse down the back of your sofa for a few hours. Hey Presto, all loose biscuit crumbs will be eaten. OLD PEOPLE. Prevent being beaten black and blue for paltry amounts of money by carrying large sums of cash with you at all times. USERS OF premium rate sex lines. Save hundreds of pounds by phoning the Samaritans and threatening to kill yourself unless they talk to you in a sexually explicit manner. RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face. CAN'T REMEMBER the artist or title of a song stuck in your head? Simply record and release the song and wait to be sued for breach of copyright. The information you need will be on the writ. HAVING TROUBLE getting one of those baseball caps with the peak on the back? Simply get one with the peak on the front (available anywhere), cut the peak off and sew it on the back. DOG OWNERS. Never lose your TV remote control again. Simply Sellotape it to the back of your dog, and hey presto! Whistle, and the device is at your beck and call! This can also apply to hot drinks, after intense training. MICRA DRIVERS. The little number 5 on your gearstick refers to what is known as 'fifth gear'. This will allow you to reach speeds of over 25 mph. MAKE PEOPLE believe you are magic by vigourously shaking a bottle of talcum powder when you exit a room, thus giving the impression of you disappearing in a cloud of smoke. READERS. Don't waste money buying a copy of Bridget Jones' Diary. Simply dig out your twenty year-old copy of The Diary of Adrian Mole and cross out all the references to 'spots, replacing them with 'fat arse'
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
There were three men drinking in a bar, a doctor, an attorney and a biker.As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. That way if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. That way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my ex-wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. That way if she doesn't like the t-shirt she can go f**k herself!"
Retiree Bathtub Test During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because itis bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male
thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.
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