An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?' Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.' Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?' Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.' Kiwi: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager) Dog: 'Yep' Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?' Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.' Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?' Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.' Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?' Horse: 'Cool' Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager) Horse: 'Yep' Ventriloquist: How does he treat you? Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.' Kiwi: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?' Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar.......'<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.A man only needs to be:
1. a friend2. a companion3. a lover4. a brother5. a father6. a master7. a chef8. an electrician9. a carpenter10. a plumber11. a mechanic12. a decorator13.. a stylist14. a sexologist15. a gynecologist16. a psychologist17. a pest exterminator18. a psychiatrist19. a healer20. a good listener21. an organizer22. a good father23. very clean24. sympathetic25. athletic26. warm27. attentive28. gallant29. intelligent30. funny31. creative32. tender33. strong34. understanding35. tolerant36. prudent37. ambitious38. capable39. courageous40. determined!41. true42. dependable43. passionate44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly46. love shopping47. be honest48. be very rich49. not stress her out50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:* birthdays* anniversaries* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked2. Bring Alcohol
A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.Alas, she finally died herself.Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."Leaning over to his neighbour, one mourner asked... "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs."
ok I now this is gonna offend someone so oh well here goes
What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar. FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased;He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house,He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself,Because lions eat anything.He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job,Which is to collect honey from the South African bees..As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage- because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.He wanders up to the other lions and says'What's the food like here?' The lions say:'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:time Hour="10" Minute="0">10 o'clock</st1:time>, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f....ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, <st1:time Hour="1" Minute="0">one o'clock</st1:time>, three miles, Eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight." A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in <st1:City><st1:place>Munich</st1:place></st1:City> , overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in <st1:country-region><st1:place>Germany</st1:place></st1:country-region> . Why must I speak English?"Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!" Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers." One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." The German air controllers at <st1:place><st1:PlaceName>Frankfurt</st1:PlaceName> <st1:PlaceType>Airport</st1:PlaceType></st1:place> are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between <st1:place>Frankfurt</st1:place> ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.Speedbird 206: " <st1:place>Frankfurt</st1:place> , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to <st1:place>Frankfurt</st1:place> before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land." <o:p></o:p>
While taxiing at <st1:City><st1:place>London</st1:place></st1:City> 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, <st1:country-region><st1:place>US</st1:place></st1:country-region> Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Is sex work?A Royal Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the coloneldecided to pose a question to all assembled.He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and hefailed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.A Captain said it was 50-50%.A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the young Marine who was told to make the coffee. What was HIS opinion?Without any hesitation, the young Marine responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."The room fell silent.God Bless the enlisted man.
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination. Conversation heard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.The conversation went like this...Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter Send 'em up, I'll wait!'Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence.)
Say again?
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A TALEREST OF THE WORLD VERSION:The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.THE END THE UK VERSION:The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter. A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.The British press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".Peter Mandelson rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and also for an increased charge for squirrels to enter inner London.In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with dogs. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the dogs. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house.He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.They call for the resignation of a minister. The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were dogs in the United Kingdom.The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.THE END
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