Whats a hoover and a harley have in common
They have something in common at least, They both Suck. But there is a difference! You only get one dirt bag on a Hoover.
Sorry H riders lol, it is an american joke
• A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"
• And the nun says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h"
• The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21."
• Then the police officer look at the passenger and see the other nun shaking like a leaf.
• "Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?"
• "Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."
Why Motorcycles are better than women
• Your motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget it's birthday.• You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it. • You can choke your motorcycle. • Your motorcycle doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so. • Motorcycles don't get jealous if you come home with grease under your fingernails. • Motorcycles don't snore. • Your motorcycle won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it. • Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider. • You don't have to pay child support / alimony to an ex-motorcycle. • If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again. • If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts. • If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it. • If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it. • If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it. • If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks. • If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler. • If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it. • It's always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle. • Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride. • Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden. • Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have. • Motorcycles don't care if you are late. • Motorcycles don't get pregnant. • Motorcycles don't have parents. • Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider. • Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines. • Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong. • Motorcycles last longer. • Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles. • Motorcycles' curves never sag. • New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them. • When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time. • You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up. • You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore. • You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month. • You can share your Motorcycle with your friends. • You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.• You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle. • You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that • Motorcycles are equals. • You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle. • You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.• You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is worn. • Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles. • Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it. • Your Motorcycle doesn't car what you're wearing when you take it out. • Wearing two fresh rubbers makes riding a bike MORE enjoyable. • The rashes you get from motorcycles go away without those painful IM Penicillin shots. • One gets in no trouble for storing disassembled pieces of the motorcycle in the basement. • Disassembling the motorcycle is done out of pleasure rather than need. • Motorcycles always sound pleasant.
A man goes into a smal country pub and has a couple of beers. After a while he asks the barman for directions to the toilet. A short while after going there is a scream from the direction of the toilet. A couple of seconds later there is another scream. After a couple of minutes the man returns to the bar looking all the worse for wear. "What happened to you" asked the barman. "Well" said the man"I tried the first cubicle and it was engaged so I went into the second one, there is no light in there so i felt my way to the toilet pan. I was doing my business and I reached behind me and flushed a couple of times and each time something grabbed my nuts and tried to rip them off!"The barman replied"Sir we only have one cubicle, I think you have just been in the broom closet and shit in the mop bucket!!!!"
Soldier and the nun
A young soldier asks a nun: "can i hide under your habit? we're off to afghanistan and i don't want to go".
After a while he emerges. "hope you dont mind me saying but you have a nice pair of legs"...........
............. the nun replies:"look higher and you'll see a nice pair of balls..... I dont want to go either"
Grizzled old Sgt Maj
Grizzled old Sgt Maj
The Wisened old Sergeant Major
The Army found they had too many personnel and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any one who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzled old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my todger to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sergeant Major's todger and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?' The old Sergeant Major replied,............ ' Basra .'
…….Technology Giant does it again !!!!<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Today it was announced that they have developed a breast implant that can store and play music.<o:p></o:p>
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.<o:p></o:p>
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Banned From The CO-OPDont Mess With Retired People
Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Iams dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Iams Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and drips in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Iams nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car ran over both of us. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from the Co-op. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
A professor at Louisianna University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands. That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' Bubba replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goat."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.""But, officer, I just wanted to say,""And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."
LITTLE JOHNNY: A DAY AT THE ZOO<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him."So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home."Great," Little Johnny replied."Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother."Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"<o:p></o:p>
LITTLE JOHNNY AND FATHER JOSEPH
Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants pocket. Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy. Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand." "Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in the other!"
LITTLE JOHNNY HAS YOUR NUMBER
The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers."Yes," he says. "My daddy taught me.""Can you tell me what comes after three?""Four," answers little Johnny."What comes after six?""Seven," answers little Johnny."Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a very fine job.What comes after ten?""A jack," answers little Johnny.
Military Humour
Laziest SoldierA sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 19 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?" The man replied: "Too much trouble, sarge."
Marine in HellA Marine dies in combat and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself I know I lead a wild life but, Hell, I'm a Marine. We're expected to live wild lives. I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this. " Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor. Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed? Marine: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell. Counselor: Hell's not so bad; we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink? Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine. Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays, On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke? Marine: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you like to fight? Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine! Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's Fighting Day. We challenge each other to fights to see who's the toughest in Hell. You don't have to worry about getting hurt or killed, because you're already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble? Marine: Show me a Marine who doesn't! Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays, because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay? Marine: Of course, not! I'm a Marine! Counselor: Oh, you're going to hate Fridays.
Army vs. MarinesTwo Para's boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Edinburgh, headed for London. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Royal Marine got on and took the aisle seat next to the two squaddies. The Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Para in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Para picked up the Marine's shoe and spit in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the Para in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Para picked up the Marine's other shoe and spit in it. The Marine returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to London. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Marine asked. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
REAL SERGEANTS* Can swear for ten minutes without ever repeating a word. * Have a spine. * Can play a sprog Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument. * Can see in the Dark. * Have eyes in the back of their heads. * Still don't trust the Russians. * Still hate the French. * Don't know how to be politically correct. * Don't give a damn about being politically correct. * Think that "politically correct" should fall under S##t in the Royal Marines Standing Orders. * Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real work." * Can run 5 miles with a hangover. * Do not fear women in the military. * Would like to date G. I. Jane. * Still know how to use a buffer. * Can tell you anything you want to know about an SLR although they are no longer in the armoury. * Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny. * Don't know how to use a "stress card". * Thinks John Wayne and all war actors are twats. * Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned. * Really don't like taking S### from those who haven't "been there". * Know how to properly construct a field latrine. * Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their butts kicked twice. * Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan. * Would rather be OPFOR than UK based. * Don't believe a darn thing the Iraqis say. * Don't need a GPS to find themselves. * Have enough combat's in their closet to start a surplus store. * Think that rations taste good (with a little curry powder). * Can smell bullshit especially from an officer in an instant. * Have more time on the front-line than most others have in the galley line.* Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing. * Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it. * Don't blame poor marksmanship on their rifles. * Know that inept leaders will always say they have inept soldiers.
Stuck TruckDuring training exercises, the Lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is
Dead MotherThe Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"
![Silly jokes (25) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![Silly jokes (25) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
