Blonde Jokes
How do you kill a dumb blonde? Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of a pool.
What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Bigfoot has been spotted
> Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the wordsback... Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went backMy husband didn't say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.He asked if he could help me.Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls' THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'My sister started to laugh hysterically.The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' .. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! .............. Now, didn't that feel good? and remember we all say things we don't really mean,so think before you speak!!!
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.
Since my poor old mother in law went senile all she does is stares through the window. Bless her.
Maybe one day if its really f***ing cold i'll let her back in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a French guy, an English bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the French guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: The French guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That French guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The French guy thinks: That English bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
And the English bloke thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that French bastard again.
Life in the Australian Army... Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (Forthose of you not in the know Eromanga is a small town, west ofQuilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta getoutta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gottado before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean yauniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughsto clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not sobad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what yadoing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroosteaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed againuntil noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered becausewe've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking tothe windmill in the bullock paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got intotheir prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do ismake yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece ofpiss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes inlittle boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against therollbar of the truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we doat home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm thebest the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this onebloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and threepick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the otherblokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quickbefore word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter
Sheila
WOMENS WORDS
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up................ Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! ) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint!! Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
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Lesson 1:<o:p></o:p>
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. <o:p></o:p>
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The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.<o:p></o:p>
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When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.<o:p></o:p>
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Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'<o:p></o:p>
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After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.<o:p></o:p>
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The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.<o:p></o:p>
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When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' <o:p></o:p>
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'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. <o:p></o:p>
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'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' <o:p></o:p>
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Moral of the story: <o:p></o:p>
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If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. <o:p></o:p>
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Lesson 2: <o:p></o:p>
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A priest offered a Nun a lift. <o:p></o:p>
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She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. <o:p></o:p>
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The priest nearly had an accident. <o:p></o:p>
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After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. <o:p></o:p>
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The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' <o:p></o:p>
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The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. <o:p></o:p>
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' <o:p></o:p>
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The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' <o:p></o:p>
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Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily <o:p></o:p>
and went on her way. <o:p></o:p>
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On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' <o:p></o:p>
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Moral of the story: <o:p></o:p>
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. <o:p></o:p>
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Lesson 3: <o:p></o:p>
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A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. <o:p></o:p>
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They rub it and a Genie comes out. <o:p></o:p>
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' <o:p></o:p>
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Bahamas</st1:place></st1:country-region> , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' <o:p></o:p>
Puff! She's gone. <o:p></o:p>
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'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' <o:p></o:p>
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Puff! He's gone. <o:p></o:p>
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'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. <o:p></o:p>
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after <o:p></o:p>
lunch..' <o:p></o:p>
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Moral of the story: <o:p></o:p>
Always let your boss have the first say.. <o:p></o:p>
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Lesson 4 <o:p></o:p>
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An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. <o:p></o:p>
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A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' <o:p></o:p>
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' <o:p></o:p>
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So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. <o:p></o:p>
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Moral of the story: <o:p></o:p>
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. <o:p></o:p>
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Lesson 5 <o:p></o:p>
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A turkey was chatting with a bull. <o:p></o:p>
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'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy..' <o:p></o:p>
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' <o:p></o:p>
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The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. <o:p></o:p>
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The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. <o:p></o:p>
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Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. <o:p></o:p>
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He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. <o:p></o:p>
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Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. <o:p></o:p>
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Lesson 6 <o:p></o:p>
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A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. <o:p></o:p>
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While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. <o:p></o:p>
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As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. <o:p></o:p>
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The dung was actually thawing him out! <o:p></o:p>
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He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. <o:p></o:p>
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. <o:p></o:p>
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Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. <o:p></o:p>
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Morals of the story: <o:p></o:p>
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. <o:p></o:p>
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(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your <o:p></o:p>
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(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep <o:p></o:p>
your mouth shut! <o:p></o:p>
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In Memorium
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully aged 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.
And then the trouble started.
a blonde phones the fire brigade ,and says her house is on fire, fireman asks! how do we get there?blonde replies hellooooooo......, in the fucknig red truck , lol
2 paddys on a tour of london, they spot a shop , suits£10-jackets £6and shirts £2, "fockin hell patrick deres a bargain, lets buy the shop, shamus says "ok but dont tell any 1 we are Iris,h cos they hate us" in his best english accent paddy says" can i buy your entire stock please"?, man behind counter says"your Irish aint ye"?"jesus chroist how did u kno dat?" says paddy " cos we are a fuckin dry cleaners !!
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