Irish Virginity Test Kit <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
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Paddy is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. <o:p></o:p>
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." <o:p></o:p>
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?" <o:p></o:p>
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'<o:p></o:p>
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t.
A woman is driving down the motorway with her very young daughter in the car.
They end up following an Ann Summers lorry, and suddenly the back door flies open and a box falls onto the road.
One very large dildo bounces and smashes into the windscreen of the car.
The mother looks at the little girl and says"Dont worry dear it was just some sort of insect"!
The little girl replies"With a cock that size it,s a f**king wonder it could fly"!!!!!!
An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman says,"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
The Irishman replies, "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt, "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" he exclaims.
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred. So, when do I start?"
An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. BUT this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzies.
"Vell kid," said the genie, "you know how it voiks. You got three vishes."
"I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"
"Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a goner anyvay!"
The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink ."
** * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
** * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.
"Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good vone!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!"
* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * *
He was turned into a tampon.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.
ASYLUM<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
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Let me see if i've got this right…<o:p></o:p>
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If you cross the north korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labour.<o:p></o:p>
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If you cross the iranian border illegally you are detained indefinitely.<o:p></o:p>
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If you cross the afghan border illegally, you get shot.<o:p></o:p>
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If you cross the saudi arabian border illegally you will be jailed.<o:p></o:p>
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If you cross the chinese border illegally you may never be heard from again.<o:p></o:p>
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If you cross the cuban border illegally you will be thrown into political prison to rot.<o:p></o:p>
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If you cross the british border illegally; you get a job, a drivers licence, social insurance card, money from social security, food stamps, credit cards, subsidised rent or a loan to buy a house, free education and free health care....
Can anyone see the defincency in the immagration policies...mmmhhhh
This little guy sat at a bar, when all of a sudden a thug, smacks him in the face and says 'thats kung fu from Japan'
A bit later, the thug walks over and smacks him again, and says 'thats karate from Korea'
The little guy gets upand leaves the bar.
A short time later, the little guy goes back to the bar. He smacks the thug in the face and clean knocks him out cold!
He turned to the barman and said 'when that twat wakes up, tell him, that was a shovel, from B&Q'
LMAO
Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today.""Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
My Rules
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."
The Tiger
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy.""Oh yeah? Who was the guy?""Tiger Woods.""Tiger Woods, the golfer?""Yeah.""Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."The husband and wife then make passionate love.When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone."What are you doing?" asks the wife.The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.""Tiger wouldn't do that.""Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?""He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.""Tiger wouldn't do that.""Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?""He'd come back to bed and do it again."The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?""No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Husband's Great Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Really Good Deed
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?""Er.. about two minutes ago."
No Viagra
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".
SIx Inches
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !""Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely."See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window andhang from the ledge by my fingernails!""Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender."Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on."When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You'renaked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazyson of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?""Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood.""Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.And where does it land? My damned forehead!""Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender."Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was whenthe husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day.""Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know whatREALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw I was only 6 inches of the ground
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