ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL IAN !!! YOU TOO JACKIE, what about this?? When asked if he preffered legs or breasts Paddy replied that he had a particular fondness for shaved f.....nnies, he was informed this wasn't an option with the KFC BARGAIN BUCKET!!
Mick opens Paddys fridge and says " why do you keep an empty bottle of milk in here?? Paddy replies " in case someone wants a black coffee you thick twat.. AND A chemist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall, " whats wrong with him? " he asks his assistant, who replies," he came in for cough syrup but i coldn't find any, so i gave him an entire bottle of laxatives!!," U F...CKIN IDIOT" said the chemist , you can't treat a cough with laxatives. "OF COURSE YOU CAN! " replied the assistant, "HE DAREN'T F..CKIN COUGH NOW!!. HOPE YOU LIKE FOLKS
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
Why its better to be a man1. We keep our last name. 2. The garage is all ours.3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.4. Chocolate is just another snack.5. We can be president.6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.8. The world is our urinal.9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.10. Same work, more pay.11. Wrinkles add character.12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.16. One mood, ALL the time.17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.18. We know stuff about tanks.19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.20. We can open all our own jars.21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.24. Everything on our face stays its original color.25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.27. We almost never have strap problems in public28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.30. We don't have to shave below our neck.31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.
shortly after her 11th birthday julie gets her 1st period, she decides to ask her little brother johnny"whats wrong with me"?she gasps as she whips up her skirt to show him her bleeding tuppence. johnny scratches his chin for a moment and finallly says" im no expert, but it looks like someones ripped yer balls off !"
a hooker walks up to a biker in a bar and says"hey big boy!have you ever had a thrill?"Biker says "yeah! ", bombing along the motorway doing 160 on me machine!", " no i meant have you ever felt a c**t?"Biker replies...."yeah, when i fall off " lol
A Scotsman (yeti) is drinking in an Inverness bar. He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Scotsman just shrugs, "That's about average up here in the Highlands . Like I said, my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!" and "Holy Haggis!!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Scotsman returns to the bar. The barman says " Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The barman is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Scottish father takes a slow swig from his Glenfiddich and wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says................. "We had him circumcised."
Life in the Australian Army..
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland) Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bldy quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.
But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bldy cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are bugg ered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bldy possum's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p** ss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your loving daughter, Sheila
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Well you could set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I could hold the chickens
The WIDOW AND THE COWHAND
==========================A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She wasa very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew verylittle about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for aranch hand.Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. Shethought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided tohire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the housethan the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching.For weeks, the two of them worked hard, and the ranch was doing very well. Thenone day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a reallygood job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. Oneo'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he foundthe rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.She quietly called him over to her, "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.Trembling, he did as she directed."Now take off my boots."He did as she asked, ever so slowly."Now take off my socks."He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots."Now take off my skirt."He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light."Now take off my bra."Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told."And now take off my thong”And he dropped it to the floor. Then she looked him straight in the eye and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." (P.S. - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either.......)
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
the Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"
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