A young man goes into the Job Centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh - yes here it is......OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to Oxford ." "Oh why, is that where the job's based?" "No - that's where the end of the queue is"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.""What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?""Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was....God! I miss him!!!But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running. A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died. Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer, "I think I'm planting them too deep."
Sports in Ireland
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, “Dat”s dem.” The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yeah, we”ll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere,” says Gerry. “Put dem in a peeper bag.” The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. “Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.<o:p></o:p>
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a ’SPLAT’. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, ”Feck dat, dis budgie jumpin’ is too feckin’ dangerous for me.”
PART TWO <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar ‘peeper bag’. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. “Hi, Paddy. Watch dis.” Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the gun and blows the parrot’s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a ‘SPLAT’ as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom. <o:p></o:p>
Paddy shakes his head and says, “AN’ oim never troiyin’ dat parrotshooting, nider”
PART THREE
<o:p></o:p>A few minutes after Seamus splats himself, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar ‘peeper bag.’ Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head- “Feck me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you feckin’ hengliding.”
Just a few quickies
Four fonts walk into a bar<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
The barman says “Oi - get out! We don’t want your type in here”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Two peanuts walk into a bar<o:p></o:p>
One was a salted<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p><o:p> </o:p>
A jump-lead walks into a bar.<o:p></o:p>
The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar<o:p></o:p>
The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.<o:p></o:p>
So he gave her one<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p><o:p> </o:p>
A sandwich walks into a bar.<o:p></o:p>
The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p></o:p>Dyslexic man walks into a bra<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
A seal walks into a club...<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar “Pint of best” he says to the barman. Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says “Are you Vincent Van Gogh?”.<o:p></o:p>
“Yes” the old man replies “do you want a pint?”.<o:p></o:p>
“No, ta. I‘ve got one ‘ere.”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.<o:p></o:p>
A woman comes up to him and says ‘What are you supposed to be?’<o:p></o:p>
The man says ‘A premature ejaculation’<o:p></o:p>
‘What?’ says the woman
The man replies ‘I’ve just come in my pants’
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.<o:p></o:p>
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him “Juan”. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.
Three blondes were all
applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them
and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all
nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled
out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture,
and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must
be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and
oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo
in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two
seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about
this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only
one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he
has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!
You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out
of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde,
stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and
said,"What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about
this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put
his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just
told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you
can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde
sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his
attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a
waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a
couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice
anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde
said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective
frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some
of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a
puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says
he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at
his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well,
Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't
wear glasses."
2 fleas were on the beach at Bike Week. 1 laying on a towel enjoying the sun, the other was shivering under a blanket. 1st one said "why so cold"? 2nd one said " I rode in a biker's beard, on a motorcycle all the way from up north". 1st one said " well, here's how ya do it. Ya go into the girls room at a biker bar and hop into a bush & you'll stay nice & warm for the whole ride".Next year, same fleas, same beach, same thing, 1 sunning himself & 1 freezin'. 1st one said " didn't ya do what I said"? 2nd one said " hell yeah, I jumped in the bush, was nice & warm, fell asleep, next thing I knew I woke up freezin' my ass off in that bikers beard again".
A duded-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern & sits at the bar, next to a grizzled old biker with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.After 15 mins. of sitting there staring at it, the newbie asks "If ya ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?".The old veteran slowly turns his head & says " Nah, you go right ahead".Eagerly, the newbie starts chowing down. He gets nearly to the bottom of the bowl & notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight shocks him, & he immediately barfs the chili back in the bowl.The old biker quietly says " Yep, that's as far sa I got, too".
2 men, a cowboy & a biker, sentenced to die on the same day, were waiting in the room where they would meet thier maker.The warden asks the cowpoke if he has a last request. He replies " I love line dancing, could you play 'Achey Breaky Heart' for me one last time?"The warden asks the biker the same question. He replies " PLEASE, kill me first!"
Harley Wayne calls his doctor and tells him his son has caught the clap from a waitress down at the local biker bar. The doctor tells him not to worry, "bring him on in and I'll take care of everything." Wayne hesitates and then says, "well Doc, I been with her too, so I guess I probably got it too". Doc says "well I'll treat you at the same time you bring your son in". "But what am I gonna' do about the ol' lady? She's gonna' kill me for giving it to her". There's a long silence on the other end and the the doc exclaims "Damn now we all got it !"
-A drunk biker is riding through the city and his bike is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. The cop says to the biker, “Where have you been?” “I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the biker. “Well,” says the cop, “It looks like you’ve had quite a few.” “I did all right,” the biker says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell off the bike?” “Oh, thank heavens” sighs the biker. “For a minute there, I thought i`d gone deaf
![Silly jokes (29) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![Silly jokes (29) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
