A man and woman are in bed when a burgular comes through the window.He ties the woman to the bed and the man to a chair.After this the burgular wispers into the womans ear and then dissapears into the bathroom.The husband says to his wife we better do what he wants i will love you no matter what be brave.The wife replies i am glad you feel that way because he asked me where the vasaline was be brave.
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer,"
The ostrich says "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
There were three dumb blonde women on an island who found an old pot and started rubbing at it, when suddenly out popped a genie. The genie told them that he only could grant 3 wishes so they would each get one. The first womam asked the genie to make her smarter so he got turned into a red-head.The second woman wanted to be even smarter than the first, so the genie turned her into a brunette.Then the last woman wished to be even smarter than both her friends......so the genie turned her into a man.
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog." An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in. The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first." The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs." The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him." The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's peeing in the fridge again!"
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for hours.
Afterwards, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing
Two law partners hire a sexy, young secretary, and though they're both already married, they agree to see who can score with her first.
Eventually, one of them scores with her, and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. "So, what did you think?" asks the partner.
"Ah," replies the first partner, "my wife is better."
Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the young secretary.
"So," asks the first partner, "what did you think?"
The second partner replies, "You're right... your wife is better."
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir." said Earl. "We're on the patch."
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb,
but all men are men.
rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
![Joke3 (3) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![Joke3 (3) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
