Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won't be the first time, either.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Aliens will land in Birmingham today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a "ping" sound rather than a "pop." That's a bad habit, anyway.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said "Less is more." He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to get yourself one of those aromatherapy candles that you see in gift stores. Try "Love" or "Inspiration" for example. (Avoid "Death" or "Decay.")
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilisation, and become famous.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will receive a "Dear John" letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't "John".
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken". It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line...
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was "act like a dog" day, you might have been better prepared.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!".
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do." (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction." Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realized it already did...
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River".
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Bad day to call someone a "whiney gen-x cybercowboy". Tomorrow's better, for that one.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn't it?
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good time to become involved in a secret plot to overthrow someone or something. Personally, I think your best bet is to start small. You can pick up some tips in "Overthrowing Things For Fun And Profit" by Kwan No, M.D., Ph.D.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
It's ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II."
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!." Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbour's shrubbery...
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
So. You let your "mole plants" die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.
Thought everyone knew that to get rid of moles you place a stone with some pepper on it in their tunnels so the mole will sniff the pepper, sneeze and brain themselves on the stone
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to "her suit" and thought you said "hirsute." Still, this may prove a little awkward.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard".
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana...
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Someone will tell you that you "run funny". Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.)
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will attempt to single-handedly bring the "Spaghetti Western" back from obscurity. Your first film will be "A Fistful of Noodles", in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to "The Mongol Horde", you might take notice.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will realize that it's impossible to truly "control" anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some "influence" over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!"
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed".)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will become fascinated by the unlikely use of the same word to mean very different things. For example, what is the link between "seasons" as changes in the weather and "seasons" as in what you do to food? Or for that matter, why are Fall and Spring named for action verbs, and not Summer and Winter? Shouldn't those be called something like Wiggle and Shiver?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
This is a good time to buy an electric bass guitar, and take lessons. You'll meet some interesting people that way. (Many more than if, for example, you were to buy an electric trout guitar.)
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You are about to get yourself into a bit of a jam. Strawberry, I think.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don't cast a shadow.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!." That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though - I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone "booger-face".
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour". The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be "The Screaming Weasels".
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you.
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