Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will realize that it's impossible to truly "control" anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some "influence" over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Everyone around you will act silly, today -- whapping each other with floral matter, calling each other "Doctor", and doing Bantu war dances in the hallway. The most likely explanation is that there's a nitrous oxide leak somewhere.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to learn to play the tuba.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will be struck by the notion that "Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive". You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
One part of you really wants something, and another part of you wants to wait. It's quite normal, actually, to have these little internal arguments. Just don't let it escalate into a fist fight.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You should learn something from your cat -- no matter what you've done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.
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Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.
Spot on that one I did end up grumpy after fighting through the shoppers in Tesco who were hoarding stuff for the rest of the winter. Dont these dumb f**** realise that theyre open again on Boxing day.
By ET underwear does that stand for extra tight, not a pretty sight on me I tell you
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
No news is not good news, today. In fact, no news is at best mediocre news.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you?
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to act extremely childish.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads." Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from annihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble".
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.
Sorry Sharkey....maybe todays will be better
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Beware of celery.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Excellent day to fidget.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today is the 1,750,000-year anniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this "Globalisation". Time to go on a diet!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign...
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He's just being crabby, if you ask me.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.
Hehe I wondered why I had an urge to bite the delivery driver, and sing and bark along to "How much is that doggie in the window" in work today....Damn...I'm not a Shark, I'm a Dogfish lol
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A dirigible will hover nearby today, and you will have the uneasy feeling that you are being watched. You are, but so what?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
So. You let your "mole plants" die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win." The second law says "you can't break even." The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight."
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone "booger-face".
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!". Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbour's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
While attending a seance "just for fun", you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that.
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