AUTOMATED MESSAGE FROM
www.AnnSummers.com:
In relation to the red anal vibrator you ordered on page 16 of our catalogue, please could you select another item as this is our fire extinguisher!
A son asks his dad the diference between theoretically and realistically,dad says thats hard but i have an idea...ask mum if she would sleep with wayne rooney for 1million quid. mum says yes. now ask your sister same question,she says yes.now ask your brother hesays yes. well thats your answer son-theoretically were sitting on 3 million quid but realistically were living with 3slags and a a fukin faggot.
Glesga ned shaggin his burd;bend over we`ll try the social security position. wot the fuk is that? the lovely thing says. he replys when ma baws touch yer arse yer gettin full benefit.
1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently. 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....' 'What?' 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?' 'No, You had your chance. Lights out.' Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....' 'WHAT?' 'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??' ' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!' Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....' 'WHAT!' 'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?' The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?' The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.' A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.'
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?' The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!' I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.' 'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....' His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.' 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked 'Yes,' he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?' The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.' The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?' After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?' One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.Sugarbrown's daughter.' Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.' The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.Sugarbrown's daughter?' She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?' Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.' The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.' She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
RustyKnight In: Newton Aycliffe
Posts: 2462
Karma:
I went to the doctors the other day for the first time in ages. It was a new female doctor, she was young and drop dead gorgeous. I groaned "oh no this is a bit embarrassing".
She said "don't worry I'm a professional, i've seen it all before so just tell me what's wrong and I'll help in any way I can".
Q. Why have no women been sent to the moon.
A. There's nothing up there to clean.
Q. How do you mend a womans watch.
A. You don't, there's a perfectly good clock in the kitchen.
And for the ladies before they all come round and lynch me.
Q. Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet.
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail.
A. Rename the e-mail folder to Instruction manual.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilise one egg.
A. Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
A biker arrived at his bro's house to get ready for the big run that weekend. His thoughts were on the run as he walked up to the porch, he couldn't help but notice the hugh dog sitting next to the door. When his bro answered the door he asked, "is that your dog?" "Yea, I got him for the ol lady", was the response. "No kidding. I always kept my mouth shut bout your ol lady but, I gotta say, nice trade"
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