Wife standing in front of the mirror naked, starts crying.
whats up says her husband
well, she sobs i'm fat, i'm ugly, i look really old, my hairs a mess..please pay me a compliment.
well says the hubby..........your eyesight's spot on.
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their hotel.
The first dwarf, however is unable to get an erection. his depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room he hears his little pal shouting out cries of, Here i come again One, Two, Three.....UUH all night long.
In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go.
The first mutters, it was so embarrassing i simply couldn't get an erection.
The second dwarf shook his head, you think thats embarrassing i couldn't get on the bed.
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his 'you-know-what' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn breathalyzer test again!!!'
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits.
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fluffy bwack wabbit or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there.
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees leans forward and says....
I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk.
The rev John Flapps see's a lady church member getting drunk in the pub, as he tries to take her home they fall and he ends up on top of her. The landlord says oi mate you carn't do that in here, the rev replies, you don't understand i'm pastor flapps. the landlord says well if you've got that far you may as well finish.
A dwarf goes to the doctors, complaining of a shooting pain right up her mary every time it rains, so the doctor tells her to come back next time it rains.
Sure enough next time it rains she gets togged up for the weather and pops in to the docs.
“Ah“ say's the doc “I think I can see the problem, just nip behind the curtain and take off your things”, and he follows with a scalpel and does a bit of nip and tuck.
“Ok, get dressed now and see how that feels” say’s the doc, and out she comes.
“Oh, that’s wonderful Doctor, thank you so much, what have you done?
Doc replies “Just trimmed a couple of inch off the top of your wellies”
Sorry if I offend anyone, and also for writing essays!!! lol
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
40 ish - 49<o:p></o:p>
Adventurous - Slept with everyone<o:p></o:p>
Athletic - No t*ts<o:p></o:p>
Average looking - Ugly<o:p></o:p>
Beautiful - Pathological liar<o:p></o:p>
Contagious smile - Does a lot of pills<o:p></o:p>
Emotionally secure - On medication<o:p></o:p>
Feminist - Fat<o:p></o:p>
Free spirit - Junkie<o:p></o:p>
Friendship first - Former very ‘friendly’ person <o:p></o:p>
Fun - Annoying<o:p></o:p>
New age - Body hair in wrong places<o:p></o:p>
Open-minded - Desperate<o:p></o:p>
Outgoing - Loud and embarrassing<o:p></o:p>
Passionate - Sloppy drunk<o:p></o:p>
Professional - B*tch<o:p></o:p>
Voluptuous - Very fat<o:p></o:p>
Large frame - Hugely fat<o:p></o:p>
Wants soul mate - Stalker<o:p></o:p>
LOL
No soz 6ypsy, although I did get this aswell:
Women's English
Yes = No<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
No = Yes<o:p></o:p>
Maybe = No<o:p></o:p>
We need = I want<o:p></o:p>
I am sorry = You’ll be sorry<o:p></o:p>
We need to talk = You’re in trouble<o:p></o:p>
Sure, go ahead = You better not<o:p></o:p>
Do what you want = Of course I am upset, you moron!<o:p></o:p>
You’re very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
MEN’S ENGLISH
I am hungry = I am hungry<o:p></o:p>
I am sleepy = I am sleepy<o:p></o:p>
I am tired = I am tired<o:p></o:p>
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!<o:p></o:p>
I love you = Let’s have sex now<o:p></o:p>
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?<o:p></o:p>
May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you<o:p></o:p>
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you<o:p></o:p>
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you<o:p></o:p>
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you<o:p></o:p>
Those shoes don’t go with that outfit!= I’m gay!<o:p></o:p>
Men's English tha's got that right tee hee.
When Ralph first noticed his penis was getting larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted as was his wife.
But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches,
Ralph became quite concerned, he was having problems dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went to see a urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
How long will Ralph be on crutches the wife asked anxiously.
Crutches why would he need crutches responded the surprised doctor, Well said the wife you're gonna lengthen his legs aren't you.
A load of nuns die in a bus crash.
When they get to heaven St Peter meets them at the gates.
Have any of you ever touched a penis.
1st nun says, I touched one with my finger once.
St Peter says, dip your finger in the holy water and carry on in.
2nd nun says, i held one once.
St Peter says, dip our hand in then carry on in.
All of a sudden there is a commotion and sister Jane runs to the front of the queue.
Whats the matter St Peter says.
sister Jane says, I want to gargle with it before sister Mary puts her arse in it.
A bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. <o:p></o:p>
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.''Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.''But, where did you get the tools?''Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the toolsto make the hardware..'The guy is stunned.'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at  a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?''No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'No longer questioning anything, the man goes to the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes..He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes..... Bloody hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well?' <o:p></o:p>
All you poker players should really enjoy this...................
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Tom's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced..
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Tom's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Tom worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Tom's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 -they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Tom came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Tom, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?
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