This guy is sitting at a bar having a few wobbly-pops and suddenly gets this feeling that he has to go make an urgent call to the potty. So he goes into the bathroom and sees this really short guy taking a piss. He takes the stall next to this short guy, and while taking a piss the guy happens to look over at the little guy and by accident sees his dick. He just can't help saying to the guy "man that is a big dick! I wish that I had a dick that big!" "Well" says the little guy," I'm leprechaun and I can grant you one wish, and all you have to do is suck on me wang!" In horror of the thought the man exclaims, "I don't think so you little faggot, even for a dick that size!" "Fine then" says the leprechaun.But after a minute of thinking the man says "Alright I'll do it." So the man starts to suck the leprechaun's dick and when he is finished he says "I can't believe that I am going to have a dick that big!" And the little guy says, "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'
A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading:
"George and the Dragon."
He knocked gently on the door.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked politely.
The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. "No!" she said rather sternly.
"Could I just have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she said again.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" by this time she was fairly shouting.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "I might have a word with George?"
Summer Classes for Men at.....
THE<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:place w:st="on"><st1:PlaceName w:st="on">ADULT</st1:PlaceName> <st1:PlaceName w:st="on">LEARNING</st1:PlaceName> <st1:PlaceType w:st="on">CENTER</st1:PlaceType></st1:place>REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETEDBy Friday, July 24th 2009 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVELOF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM Class 1How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5 Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM
Class 6 Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11 Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.Online Classes and role-playing Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping CompanionRelaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14 The Stove/Oven-- What It Is and How It Is Used.Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
The next pandemicA friend of mine went to a dinner party last night, where her and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. She awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc. From the results of some initial testing, she has unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case.Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Ibuprofen (Ibuprofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases. If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick.Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.NOTEIf you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their partners where the symptoms are detected as a serious case of eye-rolling. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
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Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"."You are on the other side!" the other one yells back.Apologies to blondes, I'm just repeating something I read elsewhere.
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:place w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Darwin</st1:City></st1:place> Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious winner:1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Long Beach</st1:City> , <st1:State w:st="on">California</st1:State></st1:place> would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honorable mentions:2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Chicago</st1:City></st1:place> returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from <st1:City w:st="on">Harare</st1:City> to <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Bulawayo</st1:City></st1:place> had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]7. Seems an <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:State w:st="on">Arkansas</st1:State></st1:place> guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.8. As a female shopper exited a <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:State w:st="on">New York</st1:State></st1:place> convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID.. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. *** Remember.... They walk among us!!! They reproduce!!!*** Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously:A day without sunshine is like - Night. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
A guy gets home from work one day and notices a funny smell in the kitchen, lifting up the lid on a saucepan he sees one of his socks boiling away. His wife walks into the kitchen and he asks, why are you boiling one of my socks. i'm doing what you asked me to do when you came to bed drunk last night she replied.
The guy gave her a puzzled look and walked away thinking to himself, I don't remember asking her to cook my sock.
Top Tips
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check its gone.
Clumsy, Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Dont buy expensive ribbed condoms just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
High blood pressure suffers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each step.
A next door neighbours car aerial carefully folded makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. simply cross out the names and address's of people you don't know.
Putting the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
A little old lady, well into her eighties slowly enters an erotic sex shop. Unstable on her feet she shakily hobbles across the store to the counter. finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sale assistant; Ddddooo youuu hhhave ddddildoss?
The assistant, politely trying not to burst out laughing replies; Yes we do have dildos actually we carry many models.
The old woman asks; Ddddooo yyyoouu hhhave aa ppinkk one, tten inchesss lllong aandd aabbout tttwoo inchess thththiicckk?
The assistant replies, Yes we do.
Cccccannn yyyouuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww tttooo ttturrrnnn tttthe ffuuuccccckkkinggggg ttthhinggg offfff
What Doctors Actually Mean…
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Yesterday at 18:12
Ever wondered what the doctor actually means when talking to them. Here
is a guide to decoding them:
“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
“Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.
“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more
time with you.
“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
–or–
I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.
“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re
going to pay for it.
“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.
“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.
“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this
one.
“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink
who’ll split fees with me …
“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about
this.
“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.
Woman goes to docs and says " Doc i'm really worried, i've been taking steroids and seem to have grown a penis" Doc says" anabolic?" Woman" No just a penis"
Those energy saving light bulbs are a load of bollocks. After fitting them, i was just as knackered as when i fitted ordinary ones...and i still have to get up to turn the bleeding things on !!
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