How to
Give a Cat a Pill:
1. Pick up cat
and cradle it in
the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve
pill from floor and
cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve
cat from bedroom,
and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil
wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish
bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.Call spouse in from the garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat
wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to
hold head firmly with one
hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub
cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve
cat from curtain
rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to
buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and
set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and
get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw
9. Check label to make sure
pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply
band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold
water and
soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's
shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat
in cupboard, and
close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with
dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from
garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch
bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records
for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another
shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to
retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road.
Apologize
to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning
gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws
with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into
mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash
pill
down.14. Consume remainder of scotch.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect
mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters. How To Give A Dog
A Pill:
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, 'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.' HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, 'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?I DON'T THINK SO!' 'FINE!' THEN THE WIFE ASKS, 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT' TO WHICH HE REPLIED, 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!' 'FINE!' SHE SAYS 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK' 'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................ HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?' SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.' HE SAID, 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?' SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'
A
woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over
to the
counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod
and
reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need
to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel
and 10-lb.Test line.
It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week
for
$44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound
of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the
blind
salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
Honest Husband…
Wife asks husband, "How many women have you slept with?"Husband proudly replies, "Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake." Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 pm
A German guy approaches a prostitute.
"I vish to buy sex viz you."
"OK," says the girl, "I charge 20 marks an hour."
"I got to warn you I am a little Kinky
"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do little kinky."
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees."
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans und knees."
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
"That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?"
"Ah," says the German . . ."zat is ze........ Four-sprung Duck Technique.
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth....can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth.' he says..
"Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horses fanny . He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says:
"Perhapth I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?"
Thoughts to ponder
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like... night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 5. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 6. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 7. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 15. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. 25. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A little guy gets on an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. No one else is on the elevator. The elevator door closes.
After a few seconds the big guy notices the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, "Hey! What's wrong with you?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude replies, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, a 3 pound left testicle, a 3 pound right testicle, and my name, is Turner Brown."
The little guy gives a sigh of relief and says, "Thank God! I thought you said turn around!"
One day there was a woman out for a walk, and her cat decided to follow her. They walked along the riverside beside the woods.
Just above the water, a small fly was hovering. Underneath the water was a big fish. The fish thought, "If that fly drops down just 3 inches, I can leap out of the water and have it for my lunch!"
Just inside the woods was a bear. He was thinking, "If that fly drops down just 3 inches, that big fish will leap out of the water, grab the fly, I can jump out from behind the tree, grab the fish and have it for my lunch!"
A few feet behind the bear, was a hunter. He was thinking, " If that fly drops down just 3 inches, the fish will jump out of the water, grab the fly, the bear will lean forward to grab the fish, then I can lean forward and shoot the bear!"
Behind the hunter was a mouse. The mouse thought " If that fly drops down just 3inches, the fish will jump out of the water, grab the fly, the bear will lean forward to grab the fish, the hunter will lean forward and shoot the bear, and that cheese sandwich will fall out of his pocket, I can run forward and grab it for my lunch!"
Passing behind the mouse was the cat. .The cat looked around and sized up the situation. "If that fly drops down just 3inches, the fish will jump out of the
water, grab the fly, the bear will lean forward to grab the fish, the
hunter will lean forward and shoot the bear, and the cheese sandwich
will fall out of his pocket, the mouse will run forward for the sandwich, then I can grab the mouse for my lunch!"
After a while, it all happened.
The fly dropped down 3 inches. The fish jumped out of the water and grabbed the fly. The bear leaned forward and grabbed the fish. The hunter leaned forward and shot the bear as the sandwich fell out of his pocket. The mouse ran forward and grabbed the sandwich. The cat leaped forward to grab the mouse but totally misjudged it. The cat ended up in the river.
Moral of the story. A fly only has to drop 3 inches for a woman to get a wet pussy!!
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.
She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a Lingerie shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear!"
Robert Green has been announced as BPs new chief. Our reporter said, 'he's an expert on spillages and his eagerness to help America in their difficult situation won't go unnoticed'..
The young wife was in hospital giving birth.
Her loving and devoted husband was by her side.
He was holding her hand murmuring encouragement.
As her contractions became intense, he shouted "push, push!".
but was thinking - "hurry up, you dozy bint, the footys just started!"
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it and takes her complaint to a supervisor and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk answers, “Yes, I am.”
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, “Have you found Jesus, my brother?”
The drunk again answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
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