An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly".
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
- I do physical labour. - I work at great depths. - I plunge headfirst into everything I do. - I do not get weekends or public holidays off. - I work in a damp environment. - I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. - I work in high temperatures. - My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
THE RESPONSE.....
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
- You do not work 8 straight hours. - You fall asleep after brief work periods. - You do not always follow orders of the management team. - You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. - You do not take initiative. - You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. - You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. - You don't always observe necessary safety requirements, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. - You will retire well before you are 65. - You are unable to work double shifts. - You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say "Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6Ɗ", hard bodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God."
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The Priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks," Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the Priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'. "
The next morning in church, the Priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The Priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The Priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the armed services?" "Yes," he says "I was in the army for three years and served in Iraq." The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says "Yes 100%... A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM." The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?" "This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that."
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
The Banana test=
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a Lion , a Chimpanzee , a Giraffe , and a Squirrel , who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.
I walked up to some random ginger bloke the other day and asked him 'If you've got 7 girls phone numbers in one pocket, and 6 girls phone numbers in the other pocket, what have you got?'
ཉ girls phone numbers' he replies
'No' I say . . . 'You've got someone elses trousers on!!'
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