A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
xtracts of letters of complaint to local councilsGenuine clips from council complaint letters...
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it
He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore
It's the dogs mess that I find really hard to swallow
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off
I wish to complain that my father has hurt his ankle very badly, then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage
And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence
I wish to complain that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces
I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife
I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2
A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'
With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan.
Husband and wife decide to make up a password for sex (washing machine). They go to bed and husband says "washing machine!". Wife says "not tonight, i've got a headache!" Half an hour goes by and she feels guilty so she says, "washing machine!" Her husband replies, "its too late, it was only a small load so i've done it by hand!"
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.You a drinking man?'
Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's allwe do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, andFresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?'
Guy: 'You better believe it'
Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. ;If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'
Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'
Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'
Guy : 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?'
Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to agreat big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'
Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
Satan: 'You gay?'
Guy: 'No...'
Satan: 'Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be reeeeeeeal tough...'
Scrapyard monster In: Forest of Dean
Posts: 52
Karma:
Guy goes into a pet shop and asks for a goldfish
Shop keeper says do you want an aquarium
Guy says i don't care what its star sign is just give me a bloody goldfish
Scrapyard monster In: Forest of Dean
Posts: 52
Karma:
Man goes into the doctors with a hearing problem
Doc - Can you describe the symtoms
Man - Yea Homer is a fat yellow lazy bloke & Marge is thin with big blue hair
Bloke walks into a pub and necks a quadruple whisky.
Barman says "You had a shock or something?"
Bloke says "Just came home from work early and caught my best friend shagging my wife."
Barman asks "What did you do?"
Bloke says "Told her to pack her bags and be out of the house before I get home."
"Sounds fair enough" says barman "but what about your best friend?"
Bloke says" I looked him right in the eye and said 'no biscuits, bad dog'."
Two Dogs In The Vets
Two dogs in the vets, one said to the other “what are you in here for.”
“Well” said the first ”
it’s like this. I was sitting on the bathroom mat when my mistress got
out the bath. She dropped her towel and bent over to pick it up. I just
couldn’t resist her so jumped on her back and slipped her one right
there...So I’m in here to get castrated.”
“Well” said the second dog “mine’s a similar story. I also was sitting
on the bathroom floor when my mistress got out the bath....She also
dropped her towel and bent over to pick it up. I just couldn’t resist
her so jumped on her back and slipped her a large one.
“So your here to get castrated also then” said the first dog.
”No” said the second dog “she’s booked me in to have my nails clipped”
Luigi is sitting at a pavement cafe in Venice and his mate approaches and says " Hey wassamatterforyoueh, why you looka so peesed off?"
Luigi says "Peesed off I'lla tell you peesed off. You see alla the boats ina the harbour? I design alla these boats. Do they call me Luigi the boat designer? NO! You see ina the cara park ? I design the bugatti, th ferrari, the lamboughini, do they call me Luigi the car designer? NO! You see alla thosea bikes? The ducati , the bennelli, the mv augusta, I design alla thees bikes. Do they call me Luigi the bike designer? NO! " I shag one sheep."
Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."
The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the
other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend.
(Who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the
same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other
men I meet and have sex with.
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