A couple were in thier bed ready to make love when their four year old
son walked in an asked Daddy can I ride on your back, The Dad said no,
when the wife told her husband it's OK honey he doesn't know whats
going on, so he agreed. As they got in to the throws of passion and the
wife started moaning and breathing heavy the little boy said, Daddy you
better hold on yesterday when she did that me and the Milkman both
almost hit the floor.
My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."
What I Want In a Man, Original List1. Handsome2. Charming 3. Financially successful4. A caring listener5. Witty6. In good shape7. Dresses with style8. Appreciates finer things9. Full of thoughtful surprises <?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O:P></O:P>
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)1. Nice looking2. Opens car doors, holds chairs3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks5. Laughs at my jokes6. Carries bags of groceries with ease7. Owns at least one tie8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries <O:P></O:P>
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 1. Not too ugly2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally4. Nods head when I'm talking5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down10. Shaves most weekends <O:P></O:P>
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public3. Doesn't borrow money too often4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear8. Appreciates a good TV dinner9. Remembers your name on occasion10. Shaves some weekends <O:P></O:P>
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 1. Doesn't scare small children2. Remembers where bathroom is3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep4. Only snores lightly when asleep5.. Remembers why he's laughing6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself7. Usually wears some clothes8. Likes soft foods9. Remembers where he left his teeth10. Remembers that it's the weekend <O:P></O:P>
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)1. Breathing.2. Doesn't miss the toilet. <O:P></O:P>
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Send this to the women who will enjoy reading it and to the men who can handle it! AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "Darling, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL. NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV. AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.<O:P></O:P>
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Paddy and Mick drivin down the road and Paddy
says "look at that flock of cows over there"..... Mick says... "herd of cows u
f**kin idiot"... Paddy says, "course ive heard of cows u retard, theres a
flock of them over there".
Blonde has a car crash, and the ambulance is in
attendance. She say's "I think I've got concussion" the paramedic says
"how many fingers have i got up"
Guy gets stopped for speeding the copper says
wheres your documents? In the glove compartment with my gun! You've got a
gun? Yeah I shot the woman in the boot when I knicked the car. The
copper gets on the radio I need assistance. Loads of squad cars turn up,
the armed response ask wheres the gun? I have'nt got one! Wheres the
body? What body, I bet the lying b*****d said I was speeding too!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and
watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally
allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
Sitting on a train, travelling through the Swiss
Alps, were a French guy, an English bloke, a little old Greek lady and a
delicious blonde Swiss girl with luvverly large breasts.
The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap!
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the French guy has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: That French guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That French guy must have tried to
grope me in the dark, but missed, fondled the old lady and she slapped
his cheek.
The French guy thinks: That English bloke must have groped the
blonde then she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
And the English bloke thinks to himself: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that French b*****d again.
Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated
either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters,
orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to
speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet
he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several
beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Phil: - Well then, you're a w****r..
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