A mans wife told him that since she got pregnant, she worried that he will not fancy her anymore because she is getting fat. She worried that he will leave her and go off with someone younger and slimmer.She asked him what his biggest fear was.
"Bears," he told her.
I went home the other day to find my girlfriend sprinkiing salt over her head . . .The next day I found her trying to roast herself in the oven . . . She's nuts that girl
Paddy and his two friends are talking at work.His first friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."His second friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."Paddy says:"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friendds look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious.The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Two blonde girls were working for the city public
works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow
behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved
on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl
digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the
effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do
you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up
again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.. But today the
girl who plants the trees called in sick.
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat
things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats f*cking batteries like
there's no tomorrow!"
Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
This man approaches.........a young woman in a shopping arcade. "Excuse me", he says, "I can't seem to find my wife, can you talk to me for a few minutes?" The woman feeling compassion says, "Sure! but do you have any idea where your wife might be?" "I don't have a clue", he says, "but everytime i talk to a woman with tits like yours, she usually appears out of f!$%ing nowhere!"
Gerard goes to the doctor & has some tests. The doctor I'm not going to beat about the bush, You have Aids' Devastated, Gerard says ' What can I do' Doctor replies 'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 Walnuts, 40 peanuts, a box of All Bran & top it off with a litre of prune juice.
Bewildered, Gerard says 'Will that cure me Doctor' Doctor replies.
No, but it will leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is FOR !!!
A man finds a woman sobbing in the street because shes locked her keys in her car. dont worry he says, removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. "How did you do that?" asks the grateful woman "They're my khakis"
A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit ona leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says.Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer'slap, getting water all over him."I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy,"says the woman, embarrassed. Fluffy squats in the middle of the room andpees. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you begood?!" Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman, and pursues it outof the office.As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the restof the flabbergasted pet owners and says:"Pardon me, I've just washedmy hare, and I can't do a thing with it!"
![Silly jokes (38) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![Silly jokes (38) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
