Whilst taking a trip in a hot air balloon over Ireland, Kenny realizes he's completely lost. He slowly descends towards a farm below him. Paddy, seeing the balloon, rushes outside from the farmhouse. Kenny shouts down to him, "Where am i?" To which Paddy Replies, "You can't fool me, I know your in the basket!"
George Michael has settled well into prison life.
He's already written a song about his shaven-headed cell mate.
Its called "hairless fister" and will be in the shops soon.
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
'That's it,' he tells his wife, 'I'm giving up golf. My eyesight is so bad ... Once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went.'
His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, 'Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?'
'That's no good,' sighs Arthur... 'Your brother is ninety five. He can't help.
‘He may be ninety five', says the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect.'
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law.. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the
fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law.
'Did you see the ball?'
'Of course I did!' says the brother-in- law. 'I have perfect eyesight.'
SIP THE VODKA<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.After the mass he asked the monsignor how to avoid the nerves.The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”So next Sunday, he took the monsignor’s advice.At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.He proceeded to talk up a storm.Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:1) Sip the vodka. Don’t gulp.2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.8) David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of him.9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me”.<o:p></o:p>
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->how to start a fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->I saw a woman about to park outside my house and said, "I don't think you can park there, love". She said, "Sorry, I'll move it over there". I said, "You probably can't park there either" She said, "Why the hell not?" I said, "Because you're a woman".
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->I got so excited the first time I was in a limousine I got a little bit giddy. Started mooning out the window. Got in serious trouble too. I was told I was upsetting the other mourners.
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->Wives can be so ungrateful at times... I decided to treat the family to an upgrade in technology. I got our son a new iPod Our daughter a new iPhone Myself a new iPad and.... ... --- ... ... --- ... ... --- ... Mrs wheelbarrow a new iRon For some reason she is not talking to me now!
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->Just letting you all know that the Premature Ejaculation Society dinner is next Friday night, No dress code, just come in your pants.....
The wife has just come into the living room wearing see-through lingerie, and has told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'. I can't wait. I love Shepherd's Pie.
I was in the restaurant yesterday when i suddenly realised i needed to fartThe music was really, really loud, so I timed my fart with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel better....I finished my coffee and noticed everybody was looking at me...Then i remembered I was listening to my iPod!
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