I just want to tell all my friends (which is most of you) that In 2011 the UK Government will start shipping retards abroad so that the country looks tidy for the olympics. My eyes watered when i thought of losing you. Love you. Be strong.
A little boy said to his Mum the other night,"Mom, will you tell me a fairy tale?" She said,"Wait till your dad comes home and he will tell us both one.!!"
I met a girl at the park today..There was an instant spark between us, she fell at my feet and I made love to her...
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Oh I love my new Tazer...
My mate has been sha**ing twins who both like it up the A*se...
"How do you tell them apart i asked?"
"Easy" he said
"Sally has long blonde hair and Derek has a moustache......"
I woke up this morning at 8 and I could just smell something was wrong!!
I rushed downstairs and the wife was lying face down in the kitchen, not breathing...I panicked...what am I gonna do???
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Then I remembered.........
McDonalds serve breakfast till 1030.
A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor
told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've ever seen!" She replied,
"Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"
A little old lady was shuffling up and down the corridors in a nursing home flipping her nightie up and shouting "supersex" !! She shuffles up to an old boy in a wheelchair, lifts up her nightie and says "supersex" ! He sat silently for a moment and answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
Three Bikers, a Honda Rider, a BMW Rider and a Harley Rider were sitting in a sauna.
Suddenly,
there was a continuing beeping sound. The Honda Rider pressed his
forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
“That w...as my pager", he said, “I have a micro chip under the skin of
my arm.”
A few minutes later a phone rang. The BMW Rider lifted
his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, “That was my mobile
phone. I have a micro chip in my hand.”
The Harley Rider felt
decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something
just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the
bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Harley Rider finally declared… “Well, will you look at that, I’m getting a fax!
Husband finishes reading the book 'Be the man of your house' and says to
the wife 'From now on my word is Law. YOU will prepare me a gourmet
meal 2nite with a sumptuous dessert. Afterwards we will have the kind of
sex that I want. YOU will bathe me as I relax, towel me dry then
massage my feet and back. Then 2morrow guess who will dress me and comb
my hair?' Wife says 'The f@@king funeral director would be my first
guess