A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The
priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Paddy takes his mates back to his new flat.After a few beers one of the lads asks whats the big brass gong hanging on the wall? Paddy says "Its my talking clock!" "How does it work?" "I'll show you" and twats it full pelt with a claw hammer. A voice from next door yells "For fucks sake you c**t,It's twenty to three in the morning!!"
Your dog is your best friend, dont believe me try this experiment Put your wife and your dog in the boot of your car for an hour When you open the boot see which one is really happy to see you simples
I purchased a brand new top of the range Tom Tom sat nav yesterday, just to famelierise myself with it i thought i would try it out. in the box marked 'destination' i thought i would give it a real test and punched in the work 'w*nk*r'
.....so put the kettle on, i'll be at yours in 15 minutes!
pass this on to any friends you have whom you may not like.....
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.'
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
You're going to love the Dad's reply:
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?<o:p></o:p>
Harley Davidson died and went to heaven, and was boasting to God about how he had created the best motor bike in the world. God disagreed, saying hondas were a better designed bike.
Harley said, "What do you know about design? You created women, and look at all the problems we have with them!"
God replied, "I think you will find that more men are riding my creation than yours!"
lol yam well yes eventual death, we are all gonna di so its deffo a 100% there
but I was talking about on a daily basiswhich in my haste to poste I did not say oops blond/ senior moment sorry about that
doh risks were by the day and by the year etc
there is a comic who was on at the edingburgh festival and he did a short sting on radio f to illustrate was very funny (only my opinion) but think i would like to hear more. Quite querky statistics. (as usual I cannot remember details such as his name so the probability of me seeing him stand up live will be lol (percentage 80 - 90% Ii will have forgotten all about it in about 2 weeks lmao )
I crashed into the back of a car at a junction last night..
This Dwarf jumped out and shouted at me...
"I'm not Happy"
So I shouted back
"Which one are you then?"...
An English couple were lost driving through Belfast so stopped to ask Directions......
"Excuse me" they said to Paddy
"What is the fastest way to the city center?"
Paddy replies "Are you walking or driving"
"Driving" The couple reply
"Yep thats the fastest way then " said Paddy
In the Bedroom the other night the wife asked me
"What is it that you admire most about me...My Youthful looks, my intellect or my curvy body?"
Apparently "Your F*cking Sense of humour" wasnt the right answer...
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