57% of women polled for a new Dating site falied the initial questionaire...
In response to question 9b
What would you most like to see in a man?
The answer: A Kitchen Knife.
Is not a suitable answer.
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says, "How you doin?" Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing." Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed. He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you." They say, "Get away with ya.... Prove it." Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one!
Hey bikers all, need some urgent help.....I suspected for ages that the misses wis playin around. Phone rings, when I answer, the caller hangs up, she's going out a lot with the girls. Anyway, last night I wis hiding in the shed behind me bike. When she came home, she got out the car buttoning her blouse, she took her panties out of her purse, put them on & just then I noticed a hairline crack in the engine mount bracket..... Is that something I can weld or should i replace it?
As the traffic warden's coffin wis bein lowered into the grave, a voice from within shouted "I'm not dead", "I'm not dead" To which the parson smuggley retorted, "Sorry my son, the paperwork has already been done..
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
__________________
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after
midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a
witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is
his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.
And Then The Fight Started
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
----------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
----------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
----------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
----------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
Hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
Celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned.
The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come
again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just
mustard this time."
A ginger woman at work recenty announced that she was pregnant by her black boyfriend. She sent an email to every one, asking if we would help her to choose a name for the baby. I was happy with my contribution untill I was called into the managers office and fired .. .. Apparently, 'Terry the chocolate orange' was not the response she wanted....
Man goes to the doctors and complains that every time he has sex doggy stlye, he gets a bad back.
Doctor advises him to have sex in the missionary position.
I've tried that, the man says .. .. but she keeps licking my face.
Another Blonde Joke A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up And says, "Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband.. Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister totally naked and cowering on the floor. ' You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
I was having sex the other day, Banging away, when I suddenly stopped mid thrust and stood perfectly still....
"What are you doing?"she asked
"Something I learned from online porn" I replied
"Its called Buffering"
two guys in the gym one is putting on lace panties his mate says when
did u start wearing womens underwear? He replied ever since the wife
found them in the glovebox.
80 year old finds his wife doing a handstand, naked agaist a wall . Shocked, he asks ' what are you doing?' She says,' I know you can't get it up, maybe you can drop it in ! '
After climaxing last night, I could see, as usual, I left my girlfriend wanting more....
I reached down and grabbed a Flash bathroom wipe from next to the bed and gently rubbed it between her legs,
30 seconds later she had a massive orgasm and was laying there sprawled out panting on the bed...
Flash....Does the hard work, so you dont have to!
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