I went to the docs while in Bangkok to get my testicles checked out. While the doc was cupping my balls, she said, 'Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination.' I said, 'I haven't got one.' She replied, 'No, but I have.
SCHOOL -- 1970 vs. 2010 Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1970 - Crowd gathers. Johnny wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best mates for life.
2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Mark started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs
Scenario: Robbie won't Keep still in class, disrupts other students.
1970 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Headmasterl. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
Scenario : Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1970 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
20010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Goverment psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Scenario : Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1970 - Mark gets glass of water from Teacher to take aspirin with.
2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario : Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airfix paint bottle, blows up an ant’s nest.
1970 - Ants die.
2010- Police, Armed Forces, & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, MI5 investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario : Johnny falls while running during break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1970 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
This should be sent to every e-mail address to show how stupid we have become!
Woman answers phone and perv at other end breathes, "have you got a tight baldy fanny" Woman replies " yes, he's sittin on the couch, do you want him?"
Scotsman walks through a field when he sees a man using his hands to scoop water from a pool into his mouth, He shouts "dinnae swallay yon watter, it's foo ae coo keech" the man shouts back "I'm English, speak the queens English" THe Jock smiles and replies "Use both hands sir, you'll get more in!!!!"
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinaman, are hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed to a huge pile of sand. He said to the Italian, 'You're in charge of sweeping.' To the Scotsman he said, 'You're in charge of shovelling.' To the Chinaman, 'You're in charge of supplies.' He then said, 'I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.' When the foreman returned after a couple of hours, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?' The Italian replied, 'I hava no broom. You saida to the China fella he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.' Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.' The Scotsman replied, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, but ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, but ah couldna fin' him either.' The foreman was really angry and stormed off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent. Just then, the Chinaman leapt out from behind the pile of sand and yelled, 'SUPPLIES!!!' 'SUPPLIES!!!'
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) Scroll Down.'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A HarleyTo Pick Up Chicks!
For all those men who say why marry the cow when you can get the milk for free, here is an update for you.....
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realise its not worth buying the entire pig just for a little sausage!!!!!!
The Funeral ProcessionA man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash and behind him a short distance back were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said
"I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you but i've never seen a funeral like this whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's." replied the man walking the dog
''What happened to her?"
The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered "My mother-in-law she was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied-
"Get in line."
Chilean miner making love to his wife for first time since release . . . . 'can we switch the lights off?' . . . 'Of course honey' . . . . . 'can i have u from behind?' . . . . . 'anything u want my brave boy' . . . . 'ok, can I call u Pedro? . . . . . '
Woman shopping in ASDA notices a young assistant. He has such a cute arse it makes her randy.... So she asks him to carry her shopping to her car... On the way she can't hold back any more and says; "I've got an itchypussy". He says; "You'll have to point it out love, all these f*cking Japanese cars look the same to me"....
With the Nhs, caring more for the elderly, and giving them health Mot's, Old Albert 89 years young gets called to the gp's for his check over, He takes his wife dolly with him, as he is a bit hard of hearing, she is somewhat sharper.
The Doctor, looked at Albert, and said , "Ok Albert, I will need a stool sample, a Urine sample, and a sperm sample if you can provide one for me?"
"Eh? What's he say?" Mumbles Albert.
Dolly interupted, "He says give him your underpants dear."
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