Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Paddy takes his girlfriend a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him through to the living room.
She throws herself on the couch, pulls her panties off and says " you lucky boy, this is for the flowers".
"Don't be silly", says Paddy, "you MUST have a vase somewhere".
Norm, an old, retired Sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times' sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at-it as well as he can for a guy his age, but, needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing."
The prostitute replies, "Well, Norm, old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->Im on me last one till Saturday night, good job works puters allow tinternet otherwise Id be bored out of my head
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Anyway, this Wayne Rooney bashing's going a bit too far.
There were even reports of someone burning effigies of him outside Old Trafford last week..........
Turns out it was someone flogging baked potatoes.
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Lad asks his dad a homework question ; What's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?
Dad says "that's hard, but i have an idea. Ask your mum if she would sleep with Wayne Rooney for £1 million"
Mum says yes.
Dad says "now ask your sister if she would"
Sister says yes.
Dad says "Ask your brother as well"
Brother says yes.
"Well there's your answer then son," says dad. "Theoretically - we're sitting on 3 million quid, but realistically - we're living with two slags and a feckin' faggot !"
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
After having sex with the local Jeremy Kyle reject, there's nothing worse than looking down to see a split condom hanging off your willy ....
Especially if you weren't wearing one to begin with !
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Just bought a Low Energy light bulb from B&Q.
"Will you be putting it up yourself, sir ?" asked the assistant.
"NO, cheeky tw*t " i said, "it's going in the bathroom!"
I'm getting tired of the double standards in my house ..............
Wife comes home with 'Rampant Rabbit' as she's a naughty girl that needs a good seeing to ....................
BUT ...
When I order a mains powered "Fistmaster 5000 latex pussy with realistic elasticated bumhole and free, self cleaning attachment" Then I am some kind of sick bastard
A farmer had a small pond on his farm beside an orchard. One day he took a large bucket and went to the orchard to pick fruit. As he approached the pond, he heard women shouting and laughing. Then he saw a crowd of young women skinny-dipping in ...his pond. When the women saw him, they all went to the deep end. One of them called to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The man replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies skinny-dipping or to make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he shouted, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
A baby shark swimming with his dad says "why do we circle people in the water and show them our fins?.... How come we don't just attack?"
Dad says "son, they taste so much better without all that sh1t inside 'em"
Seemingly there are rumours going about that a woman has a certain "SPOT", and that if you hit this spot exactly in the right place and angle, it will turn her to jelly and you will be able to do anything you want to her.
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