<wordtidy>I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old shotgun.
Peter Jones said "And what's your idea?" I replied "It's a simple
concept Peter, just put the money in the f**king bag!"
</wordtidy>
<wordtidy>magician on a cruise ship is constantly having his tricks spoilt by the ships parrot, </wordtidy>every time he does a trick the parrot shouts "its in his pocket , 4 of
clubs , its got a false bottom ! The magician f@@king hates it, that night the ship sinks and him and the parrot cling to a piece of
drift wood, for four days the parrot says f@@k all just stares at him . .
On the fifth day the parrot says "ok i f@@king give up where's the
ship?
<wordtidy>
<wordtidy>Took a bird home after night clubbing last night. After a few drinks at mine we went up stairs. While we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and said "I hope thats not that fat bitch from last week". The bird said 'what the hell was that ?' I said "its that bastard memory foam mattress".
</wordtidy>
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her
fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she'd caught it
climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said,just how far across
the f@@king field were you before you realised it was caught ?
<wordtidy>Two pikeys get married. On the wedding night, she says 'I've never had sex. Please be gentle.' The groom goes outside to phone his father. 'She's a virgin, Pa, What'll I do?' The father says 'Come home boy, if she's not good enough for her own family, she's not good enough for you!'
</wordtidy>
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Policeman on a horse stops a little girl in the street, "did Santa bring you that bike?" he asked.
"Yes sir" she replied.
"Well next year he should get you some reflectors and lights to go on it" he said, and promptly fined her £5.
As he was about to ride off, she looked up at him and said "did santa bring you that horse?"
The policeman chuckled to himself and said "well, actually,yes he did".
"Well," said the little girl, "next year you should tell him the dick goes underneath the f*ckin' horse and not on it's back!"
sorry to the welsh ...nothing personal ! in 1872 the welsh invented the condom using a sheeps bladder..........however in 1873 the english refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first ! lol
An earthquake measuring 8.5 on the ricter scale devasted liverpool today causing £3.25p worth of damage, eye witness tracy 16 and mother of 5 said ..... it was well fucking scary i dropped my can of special brew and my little lads hands were shaking so much he couldn't roll a joint !
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
I saw a muslim extremist fall into the river this morning, and being a responsible citizen i informed the authorities immediately.
They still haven't responded.
I'm beginning to think i've wasted a stamp.
The worst thing about having sex with a prostitute, is finding a soggy split condom on the end of your c**k, the very worst thing is remembering you werent wearing one.
World Women's Conference At the 2008 World Women's Conference, the first speaker from Canada, stood up "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband I would no longer cook for him, and that he would have to do it himself. Afer the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb".
The crowd stood up, applauded and cheered.
The second speaker, from France, stood up "After last year's conference I went straight home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that not only had he done his own, but my washing as well".
Once again the audience rose to their feet, applauded and cheered.
The third speaker, from Scotland stood up "After last year's conference ah went home and tolt ma man that I widnae doo his cookin, cleanin or shoppin, and he wid hiftae doo it himsell. After the first day I saw nothin, after the second day I saw nothin, but after the third day, I could see a wee bit oota ma left eye"
When the inventor of the drawing Board messed up, what did he go back to ?Albinos, Cant say fairer than that.I still enjoy sex at 74, I live at 75 so its no distance.Beware of Alphabet grenades, they could spell disaster.A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says I will serve you but dont start anything.Why did the chicken commit suicide ? To get to the other side.
my wife says the hardest thing in the world is trying to juggle a career and a family ! she's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knee whilst having a wank !
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