An ugly biker walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face."What are you so happy about?" asks the barman."Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke. "On my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the railway tracks, just like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, not to beat about the bush, I scored big time! We were at it all night, all over the house. We did everything, all over the house, every position imaginable!""Wow!" exclaimed the barman rather jealously "You lucky bugger. Was she pretty?" "Dunno...Never found the head."
Same Job
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the engine of a Harley when he spotted a famous cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doctor, come and have a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorbike. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doctor, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I earn a pittance while you get the really big bucks, cos you and I are doing basically the same work aren't we?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic................................ "Try doing it with the engine running."
Heavy Load
A biker stops by the local bike Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him that she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 93 Wentworth Road?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 25 Wentworth Road. I'd walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. "The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Just look at me lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
Subject: FW: A Funny you will liike
I would likw to know how we all survived????????/ READ ON
CONGRATULATIONSTO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1940's, 50's,60's and 70's !!
First,we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while theycarried us.
Theytook aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't gettested for diabetes.
Thenafter that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colouredlead-based paints.
We had nochildproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rodeour bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we tookhitchhiking .
Aschildren, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags.
Ridingin the back of a van - loose - was always greatfun.
Wedrank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from abottle.
Weshared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONEactually died from this.
Weate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, butwe weren't overweight because.......
WEWERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
Wewould leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were backwhen the streetlights came on.
Noone was able to reach us all day. And we wereO.K.
Wewould spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride downthe hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into thebushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .
We did not havePlaystations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channelson cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, nocell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and foundthem!
We fell out oftrees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits fromthese accidents..
We playedwith worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in usforever.
Made up gameswith sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, wedid not poke out any eyes.
Werode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rangthe bell, or just yelled for them!
Local teamshad tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learnto deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of aparent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheardof.Theyactually sided with the law!
This generationhas produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventorsever!
The past 50years have been an explosion of innovation and newideas.
Wehad freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and welearned
HOWTO
DEALWITH IT ALL!
AndYOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
Youmight want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up askids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for ourown good.
andwhile you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how bravetheir parents were.
Kind of makesyou want to run through the house with scissors, doesn'tit?!
P S -The BIG type is because your eyes are shot at your age!
Love Sh XXX
Those cut and paste jokes are very annoying at that size UK please do something with em before posting!
and your picture ones won't open :o(
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.He arrived at her house and rang the bell.'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as shewelcomed Fred in.'Have a seat in the living room.Would you like something to drink?Lemonade? Iced tea?''Iced tea, please,' Fred said.Mom brought the iced tea.'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?'she asked.'Oh, probably catch a movie,and then maybe grab a bite to eat atthe malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...''Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.'Oh yes,' the mother continued,'When she goes out with her friends,that's all they do!''Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.'Yes,' said the mother.'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!''Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he beganthinking about alternate plans for the evening.A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairslooking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse anda hoop skirt, and with her hair tied backin a bouncy ponytail.She greeted Fred.'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sueburst into the house and slammed thefront door behind her.'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled toher mother in the kitchen.'The f***king dance is called the Twist!'
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Life in the Australian Army...Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Queensland</st1:place></st1:State> )
Dear Mum & Dad,I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.Your loving daughter,Sheila
Should children witness childbirth? Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded toThe call. The house was very dark so the paramedic askedKathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high overHer mommy so he could see while he helped deliver theBaby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. HeidiPushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor wasBorn. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet andSpanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. TheParamedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked theWide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she hadJust witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn'tHave crawled in there in the first place......smack himAgain!"If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.
doctor in Dublin wanted A doctor from Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing so he asked his assistant "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.""Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor."The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes."
doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol." "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor."The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes."
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice her dead sex life, she puts the on and sits opposite her hubby on the couch, at certain moments she would uncross her legs she did this quite a few times, then her husband looked at her and said r u wearing crotchless panties, she replied mmm yes with a seductive smile. He says thank f,,k for that i thought the stuffing was coming out the couch...
Wedding Test
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'And the moral of this story is:Always keep your condoms in your car.
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