A wee boy comes home from school and tells his parents he has to do an essay about Debt but he doesn't know what debt is, his parents say to him, see your computer well thats debt, all the games you have are debt, and most of the furniture in this house is debt, now you know what it is go and do your essay. later that night the boy hears his parents in their bedroom and he hears his mum saying I'm coming I'm coming, then his father shouts I'm coming I'm coming, so the wee boy runs into his parents room and shouts, I'm coming too your not leaving me with all the Debt.
Fed up with her husband coming home late and drunk, a woman decided to play a trick on him. Dressed as the devil she waited for him to arrive, then jumped out at him screaming. " who are you?" he gasped. " I'm the devil!" she roared, " shake hands mate," said the husband, " I married your sister."
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Far too many people nowadays are imprisoned for their beliefs, and now it's happened to one of my friends!
He believed he could have a wank on the bus.
" what would happen if I cut off your left ear?" a psychologist asked a patient. " I would not be able to hear." "And if I cut off your right ear?" " I would not be able to see." Astonished, the psychologist asked " Why?" " because my glasses would fall off."
During the Popes visit to glasgow. A Mass was held in Bellahouston park. During the mass the Pope asked that anyone with special needs should come to the front of the Alter. Wee Brendan stepped forward and says," Your Holiness could you help me with my Hearing?". So the Pope lays his hands over Brendans ears and asks the congregation to pray for him. After the prayer he asks Brendan " how is your hearing now?" and Brendan says, " I dont know I'm no up at court till monday".
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing..
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Paddy says to Mick, "I've been chatting to a 14 year old girl online, she's funny, flirty,and sexy. ........ Now she tells me she's an undercover cop..... How cool is that at her age??!"
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
My little daughter was asked by the teacher to make a farmyard noise......
Apparently "get the f*ck off my land before i shoot you you pikey bastards" wasn't quite what the teacher was expecting.
a teacher was asking her class of 5yr olds what their fathers worked at. She asks little johnny and little johnny says " my daddy's a carpenter and he makes furniture". she then asks wee mary and she say's, " my daddy's a plumber and he fixes sinks", she then asks wee bobby and he say's, " my daddy is dead miss", so the teacher say's " what did he do before he died?", and bobby say's " he turned blue and shit the carpet".
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->1) Bloke went to the Docs as he had a lettuce leaf growing out of his bum..."Is it something serious Doc"? he asked"Well, it could be just the tip of the ice berg" the Doc replied 2) Bloke went to the Docs today to have a mole removed from his c_ _k...>>>>> Doc said he didn't mind doing the minor surgery this time....but warned him he'd call the RSPCA if it happened again ...yuk!
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Junkies in a Yorkshire town are employing the dangerous practise of injecting ecstasy directly, using dental syringes, to get the ultimate high.
This is known locally as E-by gum.
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Big aussie bloke walking down the road with a sheep under each arm. His mate sees him and says "G'day Bruce, are you shearing?"
Bruce says "No mate, i'm gonna f*ck 'em both myself!'
sorry AG....lol
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
I'm sick of getting texts and e-mails about my dog !!
Yes...OK... So he DID savage 2 gippos and 4 muslim extremists to death, but for the last time he is NOT for sale !!!
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
You should have seen Emma at work today....
Short black miniskirt that was just tight enough to show off the curve of those peachy peachy shapely buttocks...
When she sat down there was a faint glimpse of those cute little black lacy panties, they are my favourites!
She had on a tight fitting white blouse, with the top 3 buttons undone, and from the right place you could see her magnificent cleavage which was enhanced by a tight fitting black lacy bra, just tight and low enough to give the TINIEST suggestion of a bare nipple.
I've got no chance with her, though. - somehow she's got it in her head that i'm a f*ckin pervert!
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
My wife was laughing when she said my penis reminded her of a tic-tac.... (oh yeah,..very funny).......
She soon stopped laughing when i asked how come her sister still had bad breath though!
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